


Barisi Drabbles

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Barisi - Freeform, Break Up, Canon typical mentions of violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Christmas, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fake Dating, Fake Relationship, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Individual warnings in chapter notes, Love Confessions, M/M, Migraine, Sick Fic, Unrequited Love, canon-typical mentions of rape, post 17x17, proposal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-09 18:28:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 21,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12282063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: This is just a bunch of drabbles/short prompt fills that don't really deserve an entire work of their own - I've now separated my Barisi drabbles from my other drabbles, so these are just Barisi





	1. "Is That My Shirt?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/164357491847/is-that-my-shirt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff

The sound of the door opening startled Rafael out of his thoughts, and he bolted up-right, staring through the dark for a weapon-like object, should he need one. His heart was still beating wildly in his chest when he realised it was just Sonny, home far earlier than he’d expected. He hadn’t planned to still be here. He was under no illusion that this had simply been a one-time thing, and despite its abrupt end when Sonny was called to a crime scene, he had intended to be long gone before anyone knew he’d stayed. But he just couldn’t bring himself to leave - he had to know Sonny was okay, and he hated that that need had clouded his judgement.

He squinted against the harsh, sudden burst of light as Sonny flipped the light switch, but he didn’t miss the way the detective’s hands reached instinctively for his holster before he breathed out a heavy sigh, sagging against the divide by the kitchen.

“Jesus Christ, Barba. I was expecting an empty house. Shit. Sorry.”

He was smiling, and Rafael couldn’t help himself.

“If you startle that easily, Detective, perhaps they should re-evaluate your license to carry,” he teased as he rose from the lounge.

The smile on Sonny’s face slipped slightly, his mouth hanging open a bit as he stared. Rafael suddenly felt self-conscious, crossing his arms across his chest in a way he wouldn’t feel the need to had he been wearing his usual armour.  _Surely I didn’t upset him?_  He wondered, playing with the hem of the shirt he was wearing. It was then he realised the material felt entirely unfamiliar, and he felt his smirk slip a little.

 **“Is that my shirt?”**  Sonny almost whispered, taking a hesitant step towards Rafael.

He wished he could come up with a snarky response, or at the very least, a perfectly reasonable excuse. Instead, he just nodded shyly, looking down at the hem of the ratty shirt he was still fiddling with. He didn’t even remember putting it on. He must have, though, because it was unmistakably Sonny’s. It had felt right, and now he knew why. And wasn’t that telling?

“Hey,” Sonny said quietly, closing the space between them to tilt Rafael’s chin upward. “It suits you.”

If it weren’t for the tenderness in Sonny’s eyes and the sincerity of his words, he would have fled then and there (and denied it later, of course, citing some clever excuse for his hurried retreat). Instead, he closed the distance, pressing a gentle kiss to Sonny’s lips as he wrapped his arms around his middle.

“I should have gone,” he whispered into Sonny’s shoulder, still fearing rejection despite feeling the taller man’s arms wrap around his shoulders.

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Sonny whispered back, pressing a kiss into Rafael’s hair.


	2. "You Either Know Or You Dont"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barisi - "You Either Know Or You Don't" tumblr prompt
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/166670111567/barisi-15-you-either-know-or-you-dont

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst, canon-typical mentions of violence and rape

Sonny could feel everyone staring at him, even though it was just Liv and Rafael in the room at the time. He knew Amanda and Fin were on the other side of the glass, and he desperately hoped they’d at least stopped anyone else from watching. It was humiliating, being a cop on the wrong side of the law.

He twisted his hands under the table, unable to meet Liv’s questioning eyes. He stared at Rafael’s shoes where he stood in the corner of the room, instead.

“Carisi, we know you didn’t do this. Evidence will back that up. But you need to cooperate,” Liv was practically begging now, and Sonny hated the sound in her voice.

He could feel his tears threatening to overflow and his throat felt tight. He clenched and unclenched his fists, shifting as he twisted in his chair, eyes still stuck on Rafael’s shoes.

The cleanness of them stood out in stark contrast to the filthy looking interrogation room floor. The thought nearly made him laugh, but instead, a quiet, strangled noise escaped from the back of his throat.

“Sonny,” Liv said softly, reaching across the table to take his hands in hers. “Look, you were undercover for weeks. You were in a dangerous position, every day. You saw things…”

She stopped speaking when Sonny yanked his hands back. He couldn’t speak. He wouldn’t speak. Even if it meant he lost his badge. He  _couldn’t_ speak.

“Liv,” Rafael cut in, stepping forward until his hand rested on her shoulder. “Give me a moment with him?”

Liv stared at Sonny for a moment longer before pushing her chair back, giving Rafael a small nod of her head before leaving the interrogation room.

Instead of taking her place, Rafael came around to Sonny’s side of the table. He stood in silence for a moment before kneeling on the ground next to him, one hand resting on the table near Sonny’s, the other on the back of Sonny’s chair.

“Get up,” Sonny whispered, his voice scratchy from lack of use. “You’ll ruin your pants.”

Rafael considered him for a moment before saying, “I don’t care.” Sonny could hear the smile in his voice, and it was that that made him raise his eyes to Rafael’s own.

Rafael was smiling softly, albeit sadly at him, and it took every ounce of strength he had not to cry.

“Sonny, tell me what happened,” he said softly, thumb reaching out to gently touch the side of Sonny’s hand. At the contact, Sonny inched his hand closer to Rafael’s so the action could be repeated with more ease. Rafael indulged him, his thumb stroking the same spot over and over.

Sonny opened his mouth to speak, to come up with something to tell Rafael, but he couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t incriminating. He considered joking about pleading the fifth, but he didn’t think Rafael would appreciate it.

He could see impatience flicker over Rafael’s face and he felt himself flinch away just slightly, casting his eyes back downward.

Rafael sighed heavily, shifting his position on the floor a little, before asking in an even tone, “Who beat Jordan Moraz to within an inch of his life with a baseball bat? Because right now it looks like you’re covering something up.”

“You don’t understand,” he whispered, voice shaking.

“Sonny,  **you either know, or you don’t**. Talk to me.”

The gentleness of Rafael’s voice, combined with his hand now rubbing gentle circles on his back where it met the chair, caused his breath to hitch.

“You’re not in trouble. Not with us. And this can all go away if you just  _talk to me_.”

Sonny wanted to say Rafael should know better. He wanted to say that Rafael shouldn’t be questioning someone he’s close to, someone he works with, even if they’ve refused a lawyer. Sonny wanted to tell Rafael to leave it up to IAB.

Instead, Sonny just sniffed as tears tracked their way down his cheeks. He leant into Rafael’s touch, and when he felt Rafael move closer, he turned to face him. He followed each of Rafael’s movements with small ones of his own until he had his face pressed into Rafael’s neck and his arms wrapped tightly around Rafael’s body. He tried not to sob as Rafael ran his hands up and down his back and gently shushed him.

“You don’t understand,” Sonny repeated shakily, taking in a wet, ragged breath as he tried to compose himself.

“You can’t take the rap for this, Sonny. Who are you protecting? Is it a victim?”

Sonny flinched slightly, but gripped Rafael harder before forcing himself to nod.

“I’ll make sure she has a good defense,” Rafael whispered, pulling back so he could cup Sonny’s wet face in his hands. “Between us we’ll make sure this has the right outcome.”

Sonny stared at him, trying to stop the tremors in his breaths. He couldn’t see how this would ever work out. This girl had brutally beaten her rapist, and the man who had raped so many others, before they’d gathered any evidence that wasn’t circumstantial. They had no tangible proof to defend her with. And Sonny had swore to protect her.

“It’s not your fault, Sonny,” Rafael said softly, running his thumb along Sonny’s cheekbone to catch the fresh tears falling from his eyes. “It’s not your fault.”

“I should have done more. Done better.”

“You shouldn’t have been there at all.” The sharpness in Rafael’s tone caused Sonny to flinch again, and Rafael sighed. “What did they do to you, querido?”

And before Sonny could answer his rhetorical question with empty reassurances, Rafael’s lips were on his, gentle but firm. Rafael’s lips were on his, and it felt like coming home. Rafael’s lips felt like home, and Sonny didn’t know when that happened. All he knew was that it was a fact.

“Can we go home?” He whispered, resting their foreheads together as he brought his own hand up to cup Rafael’s cheek.

The intimacy of the action caused Rafael to smile. He felt it, more than saw it, considering their proximity.

“We can go home,” Rafael whispered back, pressing another quick kiss to his lips before moving to stand up. “I’ll talk to Liv, and then I’ll take you home.”

Sonny nodded, feeling hope blossom in his chest for the first time since this case started just under 2 months ago. He felt hope that he’d longed to find while he’d been undercover for weeks, befriending rapists and pretending he enjoyed their violent porn and predatory conversation. He felt a lightness fill him up, and that lightness was 100% Rafael.


	3. "I Think You're Beautiful"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barisi - "I think you're beatiful" tumblr prompt
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/166707881502/i-think-youre-beautiful-your-choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff, emotional hurt/comfort

Rafael had been shocked to find that, when faced with flirting, Sonny Carisi became uncertain. The first time Rafael blatantly came on to him, instead of the grin and the cocky comment he was expecting, he was met with blushing and stammering.

 

When Rafael first asked Sonny out on a date - one that was unmistakably a date, instead of lunch and coffee during work, or drinks straight from work - he’d expected Sonny’s usual overflowing enthusiasm. Instead, Sonny acted like he was unsure if it was a joke or not. And when Rafael gently cupped his cheek, Sonny leaned into his touch as though he was receiving the greatest gift on Earth.

 

Rafael began to wonder how experienced Sonny was with dating. It was obvious there was something between them, and yet Sonny lacked his usual confidence. It made his heart clench in a way he couldn’t describe to see Sonny go from spouting legal knowledge and joking with his colleagues, to damn near trembling while sitting across from Rafael in the dimly lit restaurant.

 

“Relax, Sonny. I invited you here for a good time,” he said gently, reaching across the table to take Sonny’s fidgeting hands in his own.

 

“Yeah. Sorry,” he replied with a sheepish grin.

 

And he did relax, just slightly. He relaxed enough to eat his meal and to engage in their usual banter. But every time Rafael touched him, be it a brush of hands or a bump of the knee, a flash of uncertainty would cross Sonny’s face. And every time it made Rafael’s stomach clench.

 

At the end of the night, Sonny gave him an awkward hug before he left, and Rafael was beginning to wonder whether he’d misinterpreted everything between them and Sonny was just too polite to say anything.

 

So Rafael backed off. He let Sonny know he’d had a good time and he’d like to do it again, but he left it up to Sonny to dictate what happened next.

 

Weeks passed, and Rafael had resigned himself to the fact that Sonny simply didn’t feel the same and it was all one big misunderstanding. That was, until Sonny showed up with paperwork at his office late one night, and Rafael’s stomach chose that unfortunate moment to growl particularly loudly.

 

“You hungry?” Sonny asked with a laugh, earning an eye roll.

 

“No wonder you made detective, with such astute observational skills,” he said dryly, though he couldn’t keep the smile from his face at the grin it elicited from Sonny.

 

Then, as soon as his joy was there, it was gone, replaced by that same uncertainty Rafael had gone weeks without seeing. He was about to ask what was wrong when Sonny spoke.

 

“Let me buy you dinner?”

 

“Are you asking me out on a date, Detective?” He teased with a smirk, but regretted it almost instantly when Sonny started fiddling with his hands, not meeting Rafael’s eyes.

 

“Sonny,” he started with a sigh, getting up from his desk to stand in front of the detective. “If I’ve made you uncomfortable, I apologise. You’ve made it quite clear you don’t wish to date me, and I’m sorry for joking about it. That was… unprofessional and inappropriate.”

 

He could feel a lump rising in his throat, and he swallowed hard against it. But then Sonny’s eyes met his, full of shining hope and wonder, and Rafael felt something similar blossom in his chest.

 

“You want to date me?” Sonny asked with awe in his voice.

 

Rafael couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him. He was still laughing when he took Sonny’s hands in his to stop him turning to  head out of his office. He took a deep breath in, holding Sonny’s gaze with his own, trying to match his serious expression.

 

“I could forgive you for misinterpreting shared lunches and coffee and after work drinks as just friendly invites. But you’re going to have to explain how you misinterpreted dinner in a fancy restaurant long outside of work hours and far from both our offices as anything other than a date.”

 

Sonny blushed at that, but the grin that overtook his face was exactly what Rafael had been hoping for back when the date had actually occurred.

 

“I thought… I just… I wasn’t sure,” Sonny stammered, ducking his head.

 

Rafael captured his lips with his own, acting on impulse more than anything else, and was relieved to feel Sonny kissing back with enthusiasm.

 

(Enthusiasm and no technique. But he found he didn’t really mind.)

 

Eventually, they broke apart, both gasping for breath and with clothes embarrassingly dishevelled. Rafael hooked his finger through Sonny’s belt loop, chasing Sonny’s lips for another quick peck.

 

“Come back to mine. We can order in.”

 

Sonny stilled, and Rafael closed his eyes, internally cursing himself for being too forward once again. It was clear to him now that Sonny didn’t have much experience when it came to dating and partners. He should have known that was too much too soon. Even with an experienced partner that request could be considered too forward.

 

“Forget I said that. We move at your pace. Whatever you want, we-“

 

“Why me?” Sonny cut him off, taking a small step back.

 

“What do you mean, why you?”

 

“I’m… gangly and loud and abrasive and obnoxious. I’m over excited and clumsy. I talk too much and my accent is less than refined. I’m too much on a good day, I look like I’ve never seen the sun in my life, and—“

 

Rafael cut him off with another kiss, hands firm on Sonny’s waist. He only pulled back when he was sure Sonny wasn’t going to continue his tirade.

 

“Sonny,  **I think you’re beautiful** .”


	4. Character A may have told some friends they are actually seeing Character B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Character A may have told some friends they are actually seeing Character B"
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/166943351947/10-character-a-may-have-told-some-friends-they

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff

Sonny’s heart was pounding in his chest as he looked across the crowded bar, watching Barba’s hunched form, a half-finished glass of scotch beside him as he furiously wrote on his legal pad.

 

His mouth had gone completely dry and his legs felt like jelly as playful hands shoved him across the bar.

 

He hadn’t meant for it to go this far. Honestly, he hadn’t planned any of this at all. All he’d wanted was for his friends to stop trying to set him up on dates with their friends.

 

_ “I’m seeing someone!” He shouted over the latest teasing attempts to shove pictures of their single friends in his face, competing over which of their friends were more ‘Sonny’s type’. _

 

_ He watched as Jessica’s lips turned up in a devilish smirk, and he regretted it as soon as he’d said it. He’d intended for them to leave him alone, but he should have known better. _

 

_ “Who is he, then?” She asked, sliding up close to him, smirk still firmly in place. _

 

_ “You wouldn’t know him,” he waved a hand lazily, aiming for nonchalance, though he knew it wouldn’t work. _

 

_ “Why haven’t you mentioned him?” Isaac asked, pressing against his other side, smirk matching Jessica’s perfectly _

 

_ “‘Cause it’s new,” he said quietly, breathing out a heavy sigh as he moved away from them. _

 

_ “So? New should be exciting. New should mean you can’t shut the hell up about him. We should be tired of hearing about him already!” _

 

_ Jessica grabbed his hand, pulling him back to her as she wrapped her arms around him to reach for his phone in his back pocket, which he batted away. _

 

_ “What’s his name?” _

 

_ Sonny knew he had to answer quick. Knew instinctively he had to answer with the first name that popped into his head without thinking on it. _

 

_ “Rafael.” And Christ, if he’d known that was the name his brain was going to supply, he maybe would have thought on it a little longer. _

 

_ “Rafael… not that ADA you’ve been fawning after?” Isaac questioned, giving him a playful shove as he sat down on the lounge. “The old guy with the suits?” _

 

_ Sonny scoffed. “He’s not that old.” _

 

_ “He’s at least ten years older than you, buddy.” _

 

_ “As I said, not that old.” And really, why was Sonny defending the age of his not-boyfriend? _

 

_ “You haven’t denied it,” Jessica said with a grin, pulling Sonny with her so they could join Isaac on the lounge. _

 

_ He was in trouble now. He knew it. If he denied it they’d think he was lying, so his best option was to play it cool. But how could he play it cool when he was lying about being in a relationship with the man he’d had a crush on since the day he met him? _

 

_ “Yeah, well…” Sonny trailed off, and thankfully, they left it at that. _

 

_ If leaving it at that meant teasing him about it at every opportunity, anyway. _

 

“Go on, introduce us!” Isaac urged as he and Jessica pushed Sonny towards Barba.

 

“Guys, hold on, look at him, he’s working,” Sonny tried, and miraculously it stopped them pushing.

 

“Please?” Jessica begged, fluttering her eyelashes in a way he assumed was meant to be endearing.

 

His stomach churned with butterflies as he tried to work out a solution.

 

“Okay, okay, let me just go see if he’s free, okay? I don’t wanna bother him.”

 

“Bother him? Sonny, he’s your boyfriend, it shouldn’t be a  _ bother _ to see you.”

 

Sonny laughed before he could stop himself. “Trust me, if you knew him, you’d understand.”

 

Jessica just looked at him, a strange mix of pity and curiosity on her face, while Isaac just looked, at this point, disbelieving.

 

“Just admit it, Sonny. You lied about it. It’s cool - I can kinda see it now I’ve seen him in person.”

 

“I’m not—“ he sighed, running a hand over his face.  _ Barba’s gonna kill me for this _ . “Just wait here, okay?”

 

Quickly, Sonny made his way over to Barba before his nerves could get the better of him.

 

“Counsellor.” He aimed for smooth, but his voice sounded a little too high to be considered anything remotely close to smooth.

 

“Detective, everything alright?” Barba asked, eyes flitting up with a small trace of worry.

 

Sonny swallowed, glanced back at his friends who were openly staring, and cursed himself internally when Barba’s eyes followed his. Jessica even had the nerve to  _ wave _ at them.

 

“Er, look… You owe me nothing, so I understand if you say no, and it’s fine, y’know, I get it. It’s a weird thing to ask. Totally unprofessional. In fact-“

 

“Get to the point, Carisi,” he snarked as he tore his eyes from Sonny’s smiling friends, narrowing them on Sonny himself.

 

“Look, I kinda, maybe, told my friends we were dating and now they wanna meet you.” He spoke so fast he wasn’t even sure Barba understood him. He was just blinking slowly at him.

 

“You want me to play along?” Barba asked dryly, downing the rest of his scotch.

 

“Yeah, look, I just wanted them to stop trying to set me up with-“

 

“Okay.”

 

“- their… what?”

 

“I said okay.”

 

“You… Oh. Okay. Um.”

 

He felt Barba’s hand brush his own before their fingers entwined and Barba stood up. Barba had to practically drag Sonny back to his friends. His brain had short-circuited and he couldn’t quite manage to walk properly.

 

“Hi. I’m Rafael Barba,” he supplied when Sonny stayed speechless, extending his hand.

 

“I’m Jessica,” she said, shaking his hand eagerly.

 

“Isaac,” he said, a tone of scepticism still in his voice as he shook Barba’s hand.

 

“Pleasure.” Barba sounded sickly sweet. Fake is how Sonny would describe it, but his friends didn’t seem to notice.

 

“So, how’d you two start dating? ‘Cause Sonny… well, he hasn’t stopped talking about you for literally years.” Isaac was grinning pointedly in Sonny’s direction, and he just groaned, trying to pull his hand from Barba’s grip.

 

“Years?” Barba asked with a laugh, giving Sonny a playful nudge. “He took his time asking me out, that’s for sure.”

 

Sonny was sure Barba was enjoying this far too much. Of course, he shouldn’t be surprised. Having the upper hand, especially on Sonny, seemed to be something Barba enjoyed more than almost anything else.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Sonny said with a tug on Barba’s hand, his face growing hot. “Let’s go.”

 

“Hey, you still owe us a round,” Jessica said with a pout.

 

“Another time,” he half pleaded as he dragged Barba to the door.

 

Once they were outside he dropped Barba’s hand with a groan.

 

“I’m so sorry. I owe you. Anything you want. Name it.”

 

Barba huffed out a laugh as he grabbed Sonny’s shoulder gently, stopping him from walking any further down the street. All he wanted was to get far, far away, before he could be embarrassed any further.

 

“Have you eaten?”

 

Sonny stared, mouth hanging open, as he tried to process where the question had come from.

 

“Because I haven’t.”

 

“Oh. Um…” Sonny stammered, causing Barba to sigh.

 

“If I’m going to  _ pretend _ to be your boyfriend, the least you could do is buy me dinner.”

 

“Right, yeah, of course okay.”

 

Sonny felt his face grow hot again, and he rubbed the back of his neck. Truthfully, the thought of dinner with Barba right now was the last thing he wanted. Normally he would revel in being in the other mans company, but something about the situation in the bar had left him feeling out of sorts. 

 

He knew it had been pretend, and it had been terribly uncomfortable, but a part of him had seen how things could be, if only Barba felt the same. It made his stomach churn and his heart ache, and he was faced with the uncomfortable reality that his stupid crush might be a little more than that.

 

“Sonny,” Barba said softly, stepping a little closer to him. “I’m offering you the chance to actually ask me out.”

 

Sonny felt his heart flutter in his chest, hope blooming where it had been aching moments earlier.

 

“Why didn’t you just say that?” He asked, his voice shaking slightly.

 

Barba just shook his head with a laugh, placing his hand gently on Sonny’s lower back to lead him down the street.

 

“It’s more fun watching you squirm.”


	5. Unrequited Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Would you be willing to write a small little detached love triangle of unrequited love? Where Sonny is in love with Rafael, but Rafael's in love with Olivia, and Sonny's consoling Rafael?"
> 
> Set just after Manhattan Transfer
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/168094319447/would-you-be-willing-to-write-a-small-little

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst, emotional hurt/comfort, alcohol consumption

Sonny breathed a sigh of relief as he entered the foyer to Barba’s office and found all the lights off. He fondled the small package in his hands, still bubbling with nerves despite now knowing he wouldn’t have to deliver it in person.

 

It was a box of homemade caramel slice. Just a few pieces, in a small box, tied up with ribbon, with a note that said ‘enjoy xx’.

 

He felt foolish, but he’d come too far to back out now.

 

He’d been so excited when he’d learned from Carmen just how much Barba loved caramel slice. It was one dessert he had definitely perfected. He’d practically created his own recipe at this point, adding and taking away ingredients until he’d created something he was proud to call his own.

 

He’d been excited as he made it, excited as he sliced it up, excited as he went and purchased a small, delicate box to store them in, and ribbon to tie around it. He’d been excited right up until the point that he’d arrived at One Hogan Place.

 

Then, he’d just felt foolish. He felt like an awkward teenager making a mixtape for their crush, full of all their favourite songs. He felt like a pest, showering the object of his affections with unwanted treats and acts of kindness. He felt like a coward, too scared to just ask Barba on a date, instead of hoping he would make the first move if he felt the same.

 

Still, an empty office was better than having to see Barba face to face to deliver his gift.

 

He tested the door, pleased to find it unlocked, and slowly crept into the dark room towards Barba’s desk, placing the box on the edge in clear view.

 

“I’m not quite sure what gave you the impression you could enter my office uninvited.”

 

Sonny jumped a mile, the box cluttering to the floor, along with a few pieces of paper and a pen. “Fuck.”

 

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?” Barba asked with a smirk before downing the remainder of whatever was in his glass. Scotch, if Sonny’s nose was correct - he couldn’t really see.

 

“Uh…” Sonny stammered, heart pounding as his ears grew hot. “What’re you doin’ in the dark, Barba?”

 

Barba didn’t answer. Instead, he filled his glass back up, gesturing lazily at Sonny, though he wasn’t sure if it was an invitation or a dismissal. He chose to take it as an invitation, picking up what he’d dropped from Barba’s desk before taking a seat on the opposite end of the leather couch.

 

From here, he could see how tired Barba looked, hair ruffled and tie askew, eyes a little red around the edges. Sonny hoped it was because of the late hour and nothing else, but his stomach curled uncomfortably nonetheless.

 

“You okay?” He asked, sliding a little closer.

 

“Mmm,” Barba responded noncommittally, taking a large mouthful of scotch before sliding the bottle across to Sonny. “There’s glasses in the cabinet.”

 

“I’m good,” Sonny said warily, eyes not once leaving Barba.

 

“Of course you are,” Barba muttered dryly, resting back against the lounge, slumping a little. “Why are you here?”

 

“Oh. I… erm… I made you caramel slice?” Sonny posed it as a question, ears growing hot again as his uncertainty at the situation grew.

 

“You made me caramel slice,” Barba repeated back to him.

 

“Um, yeah. It’s kinda my own recipe, and I thought you might like some, seeing as it’s your favourite and all.”

 

“Who told you that?”

 

“Carmen.”

 

Barba huffed out a breath that might have been a laugh, except he didn’t look happy at all. In fact, somehow, he looked more miserable.

 

They sat in silence for a while after that, Barba drinking enough for the both of them while Sonny tried to work out what to say. He could tell Barba was upset, and while he thought it could be about the Lieu being suspended, he doubted Barba would be drinking himself senseless in the dark over that.

 

Whatever this was, it was more than just work related. He reached out gently, slowly, placing a hand on Barba’s shoulder, fingers just feathering uncertainly over the fabric of Barba’s shirt.

 

“Did you know?” Barba asked suddenly, causing Sonny’s hand to snap back to his lap.

 

“Know what?”

 

“About Liv and Tucker?”

 

“What?” Sonny asked before he could stop himself, voice ringing loud in the quiet office.

 

“I’ll take that as a no,” Rafael muttered, finishing the scotch and reaching to pour himself another.

 

“What about Liv and Tucker?”

 

“They’re...  _ involved _ .” 

 

Barba spat the word like poison, body shuddering slightly as though it physically pained him to say it, and Sonny was hit with the realisation that Barba was in love with his Lieutenant. A realisation that punched him in the gut and left him feeling dazed and winded.

 

He thought back on all the times he’d hoped Barba had been flirting with him, all the times they’d been close, all the lingering stares and hands on shoulders and sharp exchanges that he considered banter, and his heart dropped to his stomach. All Sonny had hoped there was between them was in his imagination. Barba was in love with someone else.

 

“You look like someone kicked your puppy,” Barba said with an almost cruel smile as he sipped from his freshly topped up glass.

 

“I think you’ve had enough, Counsellor,” Sonny said, reaching for the glass, but Barba slapped his hand away.

 

Even in the dark, Sonny could see the wetness in Barba’s eyes, and it made his chest tighten.

 

“Look-” Sonny started, at the same time as Barba said, “I just thought-“

 

They both stared at each other wordlessly for a moment, and Sonny felt his heart breaking bit by bit at the realisation of just how affected Barba was by this. 

 

He was too drunk to hold it in. His face was an open book for Sonny to read, and he wished he’d never come here, never found Barba like this, never shattered the bubble of hope that had bloomed in his heart.

 

But as Barba’s bottom lip quivered, as he ran a shaky hand over his face, as he breathed out heavily, staring at the drink in his hand, Sonny was glad he was here, despite how much it hurt. Barba shouldn’t be alone.

 

“You thought she felt the same?” Sonny asked softly, tilting his head towards Barba.

 

“Something like that,” Barba muttered, taking another sip.

 

“Yeah, I know how that feels,” Sonny said with a heavy sigh, resting back on the lounge next to Barba.

 

He could feel Barba’s eyes on him, raking over him, reading him, and Sonny knew he’d find truth there. Knew, because his own heart ached too much to hide it. Knew, because a part of him wanted Barba to know, too.

 

“You’re young, Carisi.”

 

“You’re not  _ that  _ old,” Sonny said with a laugh.

 

Barba laughed a little too, surprising Sonny, before he got up and fetched a second glass, pouring a generous two fingers.

 

“You look like you could use this as much as me.”

 

Sonny hesitated before taking a sip, relishing in the burn that he felt right down to his stomach. If they were going to be pathetic and heartbroken, they might as well be pathetic and heartbroken together, right?

 

So Sonny drank, matching Barba glass for glass in an attempt to catch up, but mostly in an attempt to keep Barba company.

 

The longer he stayed and the more he drank, the more a pleasant warmth spread from his chest throughout his whole body.

 

When Rafael leaned against him tiredly, head propped up on Sonny’s shoulder, fingers sticky with caramel slice and scotch abandoned on the coffee table, Sonny could let that little bubble of hope inflate in his chest again.

 

He knew it was naive, and he knew Barba was more drunk than anything, but this was the closest they’d ever been, and it Sonny didn’t have hope, then what did he have?


	6. "Why are there no decorations at the top?" Xmas Prompt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why are there no decorations at the top?"  
> "Because I couldn't reach up there"  
> Xmas prompt on tumblr.
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/168390799502/31-and-barisi-please-for-the-christmas-prompts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff

When Sonny had shown up at his door the day after Halloween with boxes of Christmas decorations, Rafael had instantly turned him back the other way with a firm, “No.” However, Sonny pouted, telling Rafael that his apartment was far bigger and nicer and would look better with the decorations, and really, Rafael was never good at saying no to Sonny anyway.

 

So he agreed, helping Sonny carry his boxed decorations inside, on the one condition that nothing went up until December 1, and Rafael didn’t have to do any of it, to which Sonny agreed wholeheartedly.

 

It was December 3 before Sonny had a day off, and he woke up early, unpacking the boxes with the excitement of an actual child on Christmas Day. Though Rafael pretended to find it annoying, he revelled in watching Sonny as he sipped his morning coffee.

 

Then, just as Sonny had all the decorations sorted into piles and the tree ready to assemble, his phone rang, Liv’s picture flashing up on the screen, and Sonny’s entire face crumbled as he padded into the bedroom to get ready for work.

 

Which was how Rafael found himself covered in specks of glitter and tinsel, nose itching from the dust, and a living room covered in carefully arranged decorations, with each bauble on the tree colour coordinated, and with tinsel hung faux-carelessly across his bookshelves and window sills, and a sense of doubt creeping over him as he looked at his handiwork.

 

He’d been so determined to do something nice for Sonny, because he knew, with the new case SVU had picked up, Sonny would have no time to be messing around with Christmas decorations. But now it was done, he wondered if he’d done the wrong thing. Sonny had been so excited to decorate Rafael’s apartment, and he’d just taken that away from him.

 

Before he could consider undoing what he’d done, he heard his lock jiggle before the door opened, bearing a slightly disheveled but happy-looking Sonny.

 

Sonny’s smile slipped slowly from his face as he unwound his scarf, eyes raking across the living room, mouth slightly agape, and Rafael felt a sense of dread wash over him.

 

“Surprise?” He asked tentatively, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

 

“You did all this?” Sonny asked, sounding breathless as he shed his scarf and coat.

 

“Is that okay?”

 

“Rafi, of course that’s okay!” Sonny practically bound over to him, enveloping Rafael in a too-tight hug that Rafael returned with relief.

 

“I was worried you might have wanted to do it yourself.”

 

“I kinda wanted to do it together,” he said with a slight shrug, pulling back from Rafael to look at the tree behind him, eyes shining. “But this is better. This is perfect. Thank you.”

 

Rafael shrugged, feeling overly sentimental and therefore embarrassed. Just as he was about to shoot off a sarcastic remark, he noticed Sonny’s please smile turning into a smirk, eyes slowly making their way back to Rafael’s.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing, it’s just…” Sonny trailed off, the corners of his lips dancing with his attempt to stifle laughter.

 

“What?” He repeated, raising an eyebrow in a way he knew no longer worked on Sonny, despite how often he tried.

 

**“Why are there no decorations at the top?”**

 

Rafael could hear the laughter in Sonny’s voice, could see the way the muscles in his face were working to keep it in, and he felt his face grow hot.

 

**“Because I couldn’t reach up there,”** he mumbled, glancing down at his feet as he crossed his arms across his chest.

 

“Sorry, Rafi? I didn’t quite hear you?”

 

The open glee in Sonny’s voice caused Rafael’s eyes to snap back up to Sonny’s, his fiercest scowl in place. He’d always been aware of their height difference, but he was suddenly hyper-aware of it, chest puffing out involuntarily in an effort to make himself appear bigger.

 

“You’re home now, so if you don’t like the way I did it, you can fix it yourself,” he snapped, moving around Sonny to head into the kitchen to pour himself a scotch.

 

Just as he screwed the lid back on the bottle, he felt long arms snake around his stomach, followed by a bony chin resting on his shoulder.

 

“You know I love you, right?” Rafael could still hear the laughter in his voice, and he hated it.

 

“Short stature and all?” He muttered, taking a sip from his glass.

 

“Rafi, c’mon. I was just teasing,” Sonny said before pressing a light kiss just behind Rafael’s ear, causing him to melt instantly back into Sonny’s body.

 

“Which is precisely the problem,” he said quietly, sounding less annoyed than he wanted to as his head fell back against Sonny’s shoulder, eyes fluttering closed as Sonny continued to pepper his neck in feather-light kisses.

 

“It looks beautiful,” Sonny whispered against his ear.

 

“Of course it does. I did it,” Rafael scoffed, turning in Sonny’s arms to face him.

 

“I love you.”

 

All teasing had gone, and Sonny’s eyes were back to shining with wonder and love, and Rafael couldn’t find it in himself to even pretend to stay mad as he pressed a kiss to Sonny’s lips.

 

“Even when I have bits of tinsel stuck in my hair?”

 

“Especially when you have bits of tinsel stuck in your hair.”


	7. "That's the tree?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That's the tree?" Barisi xmas prompt.
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/168480099792/for-christmas-prompts-8-thats-the-tree-for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff

Rafael would never admit it, but he was excited. It was his and Sonny’s first Christmas together, and while Rafael wasn’t one for decorations or expressions of sentiment, he knew Sonny loved both.

 

So he’d purchased a tree and some decorations to spruce up his home, and was currently leading Sonny, eyes covered, into his apartment, his own body tingling.

 

“Can’t you just tell me what the surprise is?” Sonny asked with faux-exasperation.

 

“That would ruin the surprise.”

 

“I swear, if you’ve bought me something ex—“

 

“Sonny, please shut up. It’s not that big of a surprise. I’m just being dramatic.”

 

“What? Rafael Barba, being dramatic? I’m shocked,” Sonny deadpanned.

 

Despite the fact that he still had his hands firmly planted over Sonny’s eyes, Rafael gave him the biggest side-eye he could manage. Which, judging from Sonny’s laughter, he didn’t need to see the expression to know it was there.

 

That was the thing about Sonny. He seemed to know Rafael better than Rafael knew himself. He thought that should be terrifying, but he only found comfort in the fact that he’d found someone he didn’t need to explain himself to.

 

Which was why he’d wanted to do something special for Sonny. And which was also why he was now overcome with a wave of anxiety amongst his excitement. Anxiety at the thought of Sonny not liking it. Anxiety at the thought of letting him down on something so basic. Anxiety at the thought that he’d built this up too much when, really, it was such a small gesture.

 

“Ready?” He asked as he positioned Sonny at the right angle, voice shaking just slightly.

 

“Yeah,” Sonny breathed out.

 

Rafael quickly removed his hands, eyes glued to Sonny as he waited for his reaction.

 

At first, he just looked confused, squinting as his eyes adjusted to the light. Then he looked stunned, and Rafael couldn’t tell if that was good or not.

 

“That’s the tree?” Sonny asked quietly, and Rafael honestly couldn’t get a read on him.

 

He cast his eyes downward, taking a deep breath in, his heart pounding painfully in his chest. But when he looked back up, he noticed that Sonny was smirking.

 

“Seriously? There’s, like, two colours on that tree,” Sonny teased, eyes shining in the light.

 

“At least they match,” Rafael responded, aiming for snappy, but sounding far too fond for it to work.

 

“You did this for me?”

 

Sonny’s mirk turned soft, and his eyes weren’t just shining in the light now. They were wet, his face a perfect picture of affection. All Rafael could do was nod in response, throat tight.

 

“Come here,” Sonny whispered, and Rafael was in front of him in a second, melting into his arms as they kissed.

 

“You like it?” He asked quietly, still insecure, despite everything.

 

“I mean, you could have stuck a bad drawing of a tree on the wall and I’d like that you tried. But yes, I love it, Rafael.”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes and buried his face against Sonny’s chest to hide most of his smile.

 

“I love you,” Sonny whispered into his hair, squeezing Rafael tight.

 

“I’d say it back but I’m not sure I can breathe,” Rafael snarked, voice wavering with just a hint of emotion.

 

“I don’t need you to say it back,” Sonny laughed, squeezing Rafael impossibly closer.

 

And instead of protesting, Rafael just held on, face pressed into the warmth of Sonny’s chest as the lights from the tree danced across the walls around them.


	8. "Clearly You Don't Love Me"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Clearly you don't love me"
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/170852807822/barisi-clearly-you-dont-love-me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff, hurt/comfort, sick fic

Rafael took a deep breath before opening the door to their apartment, preemptively squinting against the harsh light of their living room. It had been a long day, his head had been pounding since lunch, and all he wanted was food and sleep.

“Hey, dinner’s in the fridge,” Sonny called, causing Rafael to wince,

“Lower your voice,” he grumbled in response, dumping his briefcase on the floor before toeing his shoes off as gracefully as possible and practically throwing his coat at the rack.

“Sorry,” Sonny stage-whispered, and somehow that was worse.

He huffed a response, yanking the fridge door open to rummage around their various containers. There seemed to be an endless supply of leftovers that should probably be thrown out, and Sonny’s satay chicken and a tub of fried rice sat right at the front, and next to that a container of something that was decidedly not chicken noodle soup.

“Sonny,” He stood up straight, slowly, still holding the fridge door open. “Where’s the soup?”

“What soup?”

Sonny wandered into the kitchen, leaning against the counter-top as he looked at Rafael, face scrunched up in vague confusion. All Rafael could do was sigh, a slightly strangled whine escaping as a lump formed in his throat. He slammed the fridge shut with far more force than necessary, pinching the bridge of his nose, humiliated by the tears he could feel prickling at his eyes.

“I asked for soup,” he said quietly, voice measured, barely wavering, though judging by the way Sonny was in front of him in an instant told Rafael he’d noticed.

“I just got your usual. I was kinda busy when we were on the phone,” Sonny said quietly, hands hovering above Rafael’s shoulders, like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to touch.

Rafael swallowed hard, taking a deep breath before moving around Sonny to head for their bedroom. He had his tie and shirt off before he’d even made it there, tossing them on the floor before working on his belt. He could feel Sonny watching him from the doorway, but he ignored him in favour of slowly undressing, being careful not to move too fast.

The pounding in his head had reached an all-time high, and his eyes were still prickling with tears that he refused to let fall as he landed face first onto the bed, relishing in the cool material pressed into his face, blocking all light from his eyes.

“Raf?” Sonny asked cautiously, and Rafael felt the bed dip with his weight.

When he didn’t respond, Sonny reached out and laced their fingers together, laying next to Rafael, though not touching him, aside from the contact of their hands.

“I’m sorry,” he offered quietly, giving Rafael’s hand a squeeze. When Rafael didn’t move or make a sound, Sonny added, “Please look at me?”

After a beat, Rafael turned his head, grimacing at the lack of total darkness. He could feel the wetness in his eyes, and he wanted to look away again, but he could never deny a request from Sonny, no matter how big or small.

“It’s just soup,” Sonny said with a half-smile, pushing Rafael’s hair back from his forehead.

Without even meaning to, Rafael felt himself lean into the touch, inching just a little closer to his boyfriend, his breath hitching slightly.

“I got your favourite though? I can heat it up for you?”

Sonny was trying. He really was, and Rafael could see that. But the thought of eating anything other than what he’d mentally prepared himself to eat made him feel nauseous, and he groaned, pressing his face back into the pillow.

 **“Clearly you don’t love me,”**  he muttered, voice muffled by the fabric.

Sonny laughed, pressing a light kiss to the back of Rafael’s head and releasing his hand before sliding off the bed.

“I’ll go get you some chicken noodle soup, then,” he said quietly, but Rafael reached blindly behind him, hoping to grab Sonny’s hand.

He was there in an instant, reaching back, allowing Rafael to pull him back down onto the bed.

“Can you get me a wet cloth?” He asked quietly, turning his head to look at Sonny again.

“Of course.”

“And then stay?”

“You want me to stay?”

Rafael nodded, swallowing once again against the lump in his throat, his heart flooding with warmth at the look Sonny gave him.

“I’ll be back in a moment,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to Rafael’s forehead.


	9. "Just breathe"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just breathe"
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/170862378352/barisi-just-breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emotional hurt/comfort, mild panic attack I guess?

Sonny let himself into Rafael’s apartment, arms weighed down with groceries as he fumbled with the knob, then the key, then the bags on his way to the kitchen. He dumped the shopping on the bench, ready to call out and see if Rafael was home, when he heard a thump, followed by a string of curses.

“Raf?” He called out, frowning as he made his way to the bedroom, groceries abandoned for the time being.

When he reached the bedroom, his eyes widened in shock. It looked like a bomb hit it, and that barely felt like an exaggeration. There was a drawer from the dresser by the door, and another pushed up against the head of the bed. All the sheets and blankets had been pushed on top of it, and there were clothes and belongings  _everywhere_.

In among a pile of what he assumed was clothing, he saw Rafael, rummaging, throwing things behind him haphazardly, rubbing the back of his head every now and again.

“Raf?” he tried again, which seemed to be the wrong thing to do.

Rafael shot up, hitting his head first on the rack above him, then again on the side of the cupboard door as he whipped around.

“What?” Rafael snapped, rubbing the back of his head again, scowl in place.

“Erm…” Sonny trailed off in favor of gesturing to the mess surrounding his partner.

Rafael huffed out an irritated breath, followed by a sharp intake as he returned to his task without another word. Sonny opted to watch him wordlessly, not entirely sure what to do. Clearly speaking wasn’t allowed, but as he noticed Rafael breathing quickly, like he couldn’t get enough breath, he didn’t want to leave him alone either.

“I can’t find it!” Rafael cried out eventually, flopping backwards onto his back, his breaths coming in shuddering gasps now.

“Can’t find what?” Sonny asked, cautiously stepping around Rafael’s belongings to kneel beside him.

“I don’t…  I can’t… It… I…” Rafael stuttered, the words not coming.

Sonny’s hands hovered above Rafael, not entirely sure what he was supposed to do.

“It’s okay, Raf, we’ll–”

“It’s not okay!” He wheezed out, gripping his shoulder with his hand as he screwed his eyes shut.

“Okay, woah,” Sonny said, pushing Rafael’s hair back off his forehead before taking his hand, holding it to his own chest, their fingers linked.  **“Just breathe.”**

Slowly, with Sonny’s free hand stroking Rafael’s hair gently, the other clutching Rafael’s hand to his heart, the prosecutor’s breathing slowly returned to normal. Still, he kept his eye shut, his grip on Sonny’s hand tightening.

“What did you lose?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Rafael muttered, voice wavering slightly.

“It clearly does,” Sonny said with a small laugh, hoping to alleviate some of the tension in the air.

“You’re cooking for me tonight,” Rafael said quietly, like it explained everything.

“Yeah…” Sonny trailed off, frowning slightly. “I do that, y’know, like at least once a month.”

“I know,” Rafael said with a small smile, opening his eyes finally to look up at Sonny. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I love you more.”

Sonny rolled his eyes with a laugh. “Sure, Raf.”

“I wanted to prove it,” Rafael said, suddenly serious as he pulled Sonny in towards him.

With their faces mere inches apart, Sonny could see the dried-up tear tracks down his partners face, and his chest tightened at the sight. He brushed his fingers gently across Rafael’s cheeks before pressing their lips together, resting half his weight on top of the other man as he deepened the kiss.

Eventually, after coming up for air, he said, “You don’t need to prove it. I believe you. You’re the best at everything.”

He smirked at the eye roll he received, feeling comfortable that they were back to teasing and Rafael wasn’t in a state of panic.

“I wanted to prove it,” Rafael repeated, pulling Sonny’s shirt from his pants to play with the material, his fingers brushing skin every now and again. “I had it all planned out.”

Sonny frowned, propping himself up on his elbows to look at Rafael properly, but he was looking away, looking at Sonny’s chest, like it was suddenly the most fascinating thing. That’s when it dawned on him – Rafael had been planning on proposing, and he’d lost the ring.

“You’d make dinner, because you love to cook and I hate it. And we’d drink wine. And I had it all planned out.” Sonny’s stomach flipped, partially with unexpected nerves at the situation, and partially because he could tell from the waver in Rafael’s voice that he was holding back tears again. “But I lost the ring, Sonny. It’s the perfect ring. It’s so very you. And I don’t know where I put it.”

“You can ask me without a ring,” he whispered, lips ghosting across Rafael’s. “I’ll say yes.”

“Will you marry me?” Rafael whispered, eyes flicking up to meet Sonny’s.

“Yes.”


	10. “When was it that you realised that you didn’t love me?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When was it that you realised that you didn’t love me?”
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/172431681572/when-was-it-that-you-realised-that-you-didnt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst

Rafael hummed contentedly, pressing his face into Sonny’s shoulder as they both caught their breaths. He reached up, running a finger across Sonny’s lips before cupping his jaw, thumb tracing his partner’s cheekbone lazily. **  
**

“I love you,” he mumbled, mouth still pressed into the skin of Sonny’s shoulder.

It took him far longer than he cared to admit to realize that Sonny had tensed beside him. In his post-sex haze, he was on cloud nine, totally in love and totally content. It wasn’t until he felt Sonny shift that he noticed the muscles in his partner's arm were twitching just a little, pulled taught. His eyes fluttered open, a sense of dread he didn’t entirely understand filling him up as he raised his head to look at the detective.

Sonny swallowed, and Rafael watched the bob of his adam's apple, chin resting lightly on his sternum before he raised his head properly, trying to meet Sonny’s eyes. But Sonny was staring at the ceiling, lips pulled into a thin line, forehead creased.

“What’s wrong?” Rafael asked quietly, running his fingers feather-light across Sonny’s shoulder and down his arm.

“Nothing,” Sonny said quickly, pushing Rafael off him lightly so he could sit up.

Rafael watched the muscles in his back and shoulders work, his entire body tense as he sat on the edge of the bed, back to Rafael, and he felt his stomach drop, the taste of bile hitting his throat as his eyes began to sting.

“Sonny,” he whispered, reaching out to touch his partner’s shoulder before thinking better of it.

“I’m gonna shower and make us breakfast,” Sonny said without looking at him, grabbing a pair of sweatpants before heading for the bathroom.

Rafael’s stomach was churning as he thought on their time spent together. They’d been seeing each other for almost eight months, and while that was fairly quick for Rafael to admit he loved somebody, he felt it was warranted considering how long they had danced around each other beforehand.

He had expected Sonny to be the type to love with abandon, falling too deep too fast and not even thinking to regret it. Yet, apparently, it was Rafael who had fallen too deep too fast, and his throat felt tight at the thought. He loved Sonny, and clearly, for whatever reason, Sonny did not love him.

When he heard Sonny rummaging in the kitchen, he took his chance to have a quick shower. His chest tightened as the scent of Sonny’s soap reached his nose, and he realized he would be walking around smelling like the man he loved for the rest of the day, knowing that man didn’t love him.

 **“When was it that you realized that you didn’t love me?”** He asked, voice strained as he stepped into the living area.

He watched Sonny tense again, facing away as he worked at the oven. “When you said it,” he admitted quietly, slumping in defeat, his head hanging low as he gripped the counter in front of him, knuckles white.

Rafael swallowed hard, trying to think of something to say, but there was nothing. There were no words he could say to make Sonny love him. There was nothing either of them could say to change this. His eyes burned, and he blinked furiously, trying to keep his emotions in check.

“I still care about you, Rafael,” Sonny said quietly, turning to face him, his expression tight. “I just…I don’t know. You said it and…and it didn’t feel right to say it back. I don’t know why. I–-”

“You don’t need to explain it to me,” Rafael snapped, grabbing his wallet from the table.

“Please don’t go,” Sonny whispered. He sounded so small and so helpless, and it made Rafael’s heart ache.

He took a deep breath before heading for the front door, head held high and back entirely straight. It wasn’t until he was halfway down the street that he let out a shuddering gasp, half stumbling into the wall next to him as he tried to take in enough air, his chest burning, his ears ringing, and his stomach churning.

The worst part was he knew he would go back if Sonny asked. He knew that if Sonny called him, if Sonny offered, he would be there in a heartbeat. He would share his bed and cook him food and hold him close after a hard day.

Because Rafael Barba loved Sonny Carisi, and something was better than nothing.


	11. “Tell me what’s wrong”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/172709936597/barisi-tell-me-whats-wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Light angst + humor

When Rafael came home he expected an empty apartment. He’d assumed Sonny was busy with work when he’d received no response regarding dinner. He hadn’t expected the kitchen light to be on, or for the apartment to smell entirely of burnt  _something_. **  
**

“Sonny?” He called out, dumping his bag by the door before shedding his coat.

When he heard no response, he made his way to the kitchen. He hadn’t been sure what to expect, but he definitely hadn’t expected to see Sonny sat on the floor, knees drawn up to his chest, with his face buried in his arms.

“Sonny?” he asked, quieter this time, as he knelt down in front of the detective.

“‘M sorry,” Sonny mumbled, not bothering to lift his head.

“What for?” He asked quietly, hand hovering awkwardly above Sonny’s shoulder.

Sonny shrugged, rubbing at his face with his hands before looking up. Rafael’s heart clenched at the sight of the detective’s face, red and blotchy, eyes blood-shot and still wet with tears that would never fall. He let his hand settle on Sonny’s shoulder as he swallowed past the lump forming in his throat.

“What happened?” He whispered.

“I fucked up,” he said with a shrug, resting his chin on his arms, hugging his knees closer to his chest.

Rafael wondered what he meant by that. He was sure Liv would have called him, warned him Sonny would need some looking after, if something had gone seriously wrong. But he also knew that his partner had a tendency to beat himself up over things that were out of his control, and everyone around him was none the wiser until it all came bubbling to the surface in a seemingly unrelated outburst.

“I’m sure it wasn’t your fault,” Rafael offered weakly, reaching up to run his thumb across Sonny’s cheek lightly.

Sonny just shrugged again, closing his eyes, and Rafael’s stomach twisted uncomfortably.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” he whispered, leaning forward to press a kiss to the other man’s temple. “Please.”

“I thought you’d be able to smell it,” Sonny sniffed, leaning into Rafael’s space a little more.

“What?” He asked, confused, as he sat beside the detective, allowing him to rest his head on his shoulder.

“The cookies. I burnt them.”

Rafael stared at the top of Sonny’s head for a moment before pinching the bridge of his nose, relief flooding him, causing him to feel weak with the sudden lightness of it.

“You burnt the cookies,” he repeated, trying to keep the laughter out of his voice as Sonny nodded, sniffing again. “That’s okay, we can make some more.”

“That’s not the point.”

“No? What is the point, then?”

“I wanted to do something nice. Surprise you. Don’t want you thinking I don’t love you when I’m gone,” Sonny explained, voice wavering a little.

Rafael sighed, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Sonny’s head before resting his chin in its place. “I know you love me. Even when a case keeps you from me for weeks on end, I know you love me. When did you last sleep?”

“This morning.”

“When did you last sleep for more than an hour at a time?” Rafael asked pointedly, though he was certain he already knew the answer. Sonny wouldn’t be crying over burnt cookies if he’d slept properly in the last 48 hours.

Sonny shrugged, eliciting a sigh from Rafael. “Come on. Bed.”

“But the cookies,” Sonny protested weakly as Rafael lifted him from the floor.

“We’ll make cookies in the morning,” he said softly, guiding Sonny to the bedroom.

He helped his partner remove his clothes, and by the time he had his own clothes removed, Sonny was fast asleep, deep, even breaths soothing Rafael as he curled up beside him.


	12. "I'm not someone who breaks easily, but I must commend you on this."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/173353440922/im-not-someone-who-breaks-easily-but-i-must

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst

“Yeah, until he tried to kiss me.”

It felt as though time slowed down around them, Amanda’s teasing voice echoing through the space between them, bouncing back and forth, hammering in time with Sonny’s heartbeat. He could feel Rafael’s eyes burning holes into the back of his head as he choked out a laugh, brushed the jab off like it was nothing.

But it was everything. It was everything, and Rafael heard it. Without context, without anything.

It was only when he felt Rafael shift beside him that he dared take a look. He could see the hurt clear as day as Rafael gathered his coat and muttered that he had somewhere to be as he glanced at his phone.

Sonny didn’t even bother to make an excuse as he hurried after Rafael, nearly knocking his stool over in the process.

The fresh air outside was like a slap in the face, a direct contrast to the warmth he’d felt only seconds before. He scanned the street, eyes falling on the back of Rafael squeezing through the Friday night crowds.

“Raf!” He called, following after at double speed.

He’d expected it, but it was still a punch to the gut to watch Rafael speed up, watch him act as though he hadn’t heard.

“Raf,” he breathed out as he reached him, reaching out to grab his shoulder.

“What?” Rafael hissed, spinning out of his grip fast enough to nearly lose his balance.

On reflex, Sonny reached out to steady him, but he only pulled back further.

“Back there, that was…” Sonny trailed off, throat tightening at the sight of unshed tears in Rafael’s eyes.

“It’s pretty obvious what that was,” Rafael muttered, voice wavering just slightly.

Sonny’s heart twisted inside his chest. He’d only just earned Rafael’s trust back, only just started patching things up between them, and he’d gone and ruined it all again. The glare Rafael threw him winded him, and he took a step back.

“It was…Christ, we were drunk and nothing happened.” Even to his own ears, it sounded weak.

He watched as Rafael took a deep, steadying breath. “Why tell me you want me when you clearly want her?”

“I don’t want her, Raf,” Sonny whispered, taking a small step forward. “It’s always been you.”

Rafael snorted, looking away as he buried his chin further into his scarf. “I always knew you loved her. This is on me.”

“I don’t–”

“No? You play father to her child every other night, you told your parents you were dating her when you were too scared to tell them about me, and you tried to kiss her while you were trying to gain my trust back.” Every word was like a dagger to Sonny’s chest, twisting and churning. The worst part was, he deserved it. “The evidence is pretty damning.”

“Raf…”

“I’m not someone who breaks easily, but I must commend you on this,” Rafael said, voice shaking like he was barely holding on.

He heard himself call out again as Rafael walked away, heart pounding painfully in his chest, but he did nothing to stop him, made no move to follow.

He just watched Rafael walk away with his heart, bloodied and bruised, but entirely his to keep.


	13. "I hope it hurts to think of me."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/174582805972/i-hope-it-hurts-to-think-of-me-barisi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst

Sonny could feel his heart pounding in his chest, could hear his blood rushing past his hears. His chest burnt as his lungs heaved with the effort of each intake of breath.

Green eyes. Impossible green eyes. Eyes he’d dreamed about over and over for the past year.

He blinked, taking a small step back.

It was jarring, having those eyes on him again, familiar and yet foreign all at once.

They seemed softer, sadder somehow, which didn’t make sense, not considering where they’d been the last time he’d looked into those deep pools of green.

“Sonny,” Rafael said quietly, voice wavering on just a single word.

Sonny felt his throat grow tight as he took another step back, blinking furiously against the sudden wetness in his eyes. He’d never thought he’d hear his name said in that tone, in that voice, from those lips, ever again.

He swallowed hard, nausea bubbling in his stomach.

“I missed you.”

Sonny shook his head. “No. No, you don’t get to say that,” he choked out, running a shaky hand through his hair.

“Sonny–”

“No!”

His shout echoed in the space around them, bouncing off the wall behind Rafael. A strange mix of guilt and satisfaction twisted deep in his stomach at the resulting wince, at the shame that crept up on Rafael’s face.

He ought to feel ashamed.

“Why are you here?” Sonny asked, taking a tentative step forward.

Rafael leaned into his space, almost like he didn’t realize he was doing it, as though the action was completely out of his control. Once upon a time, Sonny might have believed it was.

“Because I missed–”

Sonny cut him off with a vicious, somewhat hysterical laugh. “You don’t get to just say you missed me when I haven’t seen or heard from you in a year.”

Rafael nodded, biting his lip. He hesitated before opening his mouth to speak, but Sonny didn’t want to hear it.

“You left. You didn’t even think of me, you just–”

“I did think of you. I–”

“You didn’t. If you had, you wouldn’t have left.” Sonny hated the way his voice cracked, the way his vision blurred over. He took a deep, shaky breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You don’t just walk away from three years with someone without a word, Rafael.”

“I know. I…” Rafael cleared his throat. “I want to apologize.”

Sonny scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Yeah? Well, I don’t forgive you.”

His stomach churned at the wounded look on Rafael’s face, but he folded his arms across his chest defiantly. It felt childish and petty, but to say anything more would be putting his heart out there again, and he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t open his heart, not even for the briefest second, to the man that broke his as though it meant nothing.

“I thought of you,” Rafael said, voice small. “Every day, I thought of you.”

Sonny felt his heart flutter, but he swallowed down on the feeling, swallowed down in his need to forgive. He could already feel his arms itching to reach out, to hold Rafael, to touch him again.

“I know I fucked up. Bad. I know. But let me–”

“No,” Sonny said quickly, shaking his head as he reached out to grip the door handle. “It hurt, Rafael. You hurt me. I thought of you every day for months, wondering what I did wrong, and it hurt so fucking much I can’t even put it into words.”

He could see the tears pooling in Rafael’s eyes, green glistening in the dim light filtering through from Sonny’s apartment. His heart clenched and his stomach churned. It didn’t seem fair, Rafael coming back after all this time, acting like he was the one who was hurt. As Rafael opened his mouth to speak, Sonny cut him off.

“So, **I hope it hurts to think of me** , too,” Sonny said quietly, closing the door before Rafael could get another word in, before he could win Sonny over with a simple look, a gesture, a word.

He drew a shuddering breath in as he slowly slid down the door, an overwhelming sense of grief taking over him, dragging him under. He could feel the tears on his face as his body shuddered with suppressed sobs.

It wasn’t fair that, after all this time, Rafael Barba still had his heart.


	14. “I remember practicing how to ask you out in the mirror..”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/175191634867/i-want-a-lot-of-barisi-i-remember-practicing-how

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff

Sonny sighed contentedly, nuzzling a little closer to Rafael as he traced patterns on his chest. It felt surreal to finally be here, in Rafael’s bed on a lazy Sunday morning after finally agreeing that this thing between them was serious, and real, and too incredible to let go of.

He felt his stomach flutter at the memory of their first date, and he huffed out a small laugh, unaware he’d even done so, as he remembered how terrified he had been of crossing that line.

“What?” Rafael asked softly, voice scratchy with sleep.

“What? Oh,” Sonny pressed a small kiss to Rafael’s shoulder. “Just…thinking.”

“About?” Rafael prompted, bringing his hand down to rest on Sonny’s back.

“Our first date. And how scared I was.”

Rafael snorted. “You were clearly braver than me. You’re the one who asked.”

“True,” Sonny said with a laugh. “I remember practising how to ask you out in the mirror.”

“What?” Rafael asked, propping his head up to look at Sonny. “Seriously?”

Under Rafael’s gaze, the admission suddenly seemed childish, and he felt his face grow hot.

“Oh my god, you’re serious,” Rafael laughed, jolting Sonny’s head from where it was resting.

He groaned, pressing his face into the pillow, away from Rafael.

“No, hey,” Rafael said gently, laughter still in his voice, though thankfully he’d managed to keep it at bay. “Look at me.”

Sonny took a deep breath before lifting his head to look at Rafael, face still burning. Rafael’s eyes were sparkling with the laughter that was just beneath the surface, but there was a softness to them, also. A softness that had Sonny’s heart pounding against his ribcage, stomach swooping.

Rafael leaned in, pressing a delicate kiss to his lips before drawing back, soft smile slowly growing to a smirk. “What lines did you try out before you settled on stammering out an invitation to dinner?”

“Shut up,” he pouted, letting his forehead fall to Rafael’s chest.

He felt Rafael’s laughter before he heard it, but he couldn’t stop his lips from quirking into a smile as Rafael pressed a kiss to the top of his head, pulling him close.


	15. “It’s not a double date. We’re just third and fourth wheeling.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/175358051097/barisi-bls-its-not-a-double-date-were-just

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff

Sonny felt on top of the world brushing shoulders with Rafael as they walked to dinner. It didn’t matter that they wouldn’t be alone, that in a moment they were meeting up with his boss and the Captain of IAB. (Though he’d be lying if that didn’t make him incredibly nervous.)

But his nerves were overridden by the pure excitement of his first date with Rafael.

“Never took you for the double date type, Counselor,” he said with a grin, bumping Rafael’s shoulder with his.

Rafael scoffed, turning to give him a look. “It’s not a double date. We’re just third and fourth wheeling.”

Sonny felt his legs stop without his permission as his heart sank to his stomach, sending a shiver down his spine. He only stopped for a second before he collected himself, shoving down the swell of emotion that had seemingly come from nowhere. But Rafael noticed, of course he did.

“You thought this was a date.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he muttered, quickening his pace, leaving Rafael to have to run a little to catch up.

“Carisi.”

Sonny was in half a mind to back out, to just go home, to forget the night had even been mentioned, let alone started.

“Carisi.”

He shoved his hands further in his pockets, trying to think of a reasonable excuse to go home.

“Sonny.” Rafael’s hand came to rest on his elbow, almost dragging him back, forcing him to stop.

“What?” He snapped, causing Rafael to drop his hold.

“You thought this was a date?” Rafael’s smile was kind, too kind. It made Sonny’s stomach churn.

“Don’t rub it in,” he muttered, glancing away.

He was surprised when Rafael reached out again, taking hold of his arm. Warily, he looked Rafael in the eye, stomach swooping at the softness, the tenderness there that he’d seen so many times but always thought he’d imagined.

“I didn’t realize,” Rafael said quietly, tugging at Sonny’s arm a little.

Sonny let Rafael tug his hand free of his pocket, and he felt his heart swell as Rafael linked their fingers.

“For the record,” Rafael said quietly as he began to walk. “I’d always hoped.”

Sonny couldn’t stop the grin that broke out across his face as he walked with Rafael, hand in hand, towards their first ever date.


	16. “Pack your shit and go. Get the fuck out of my sight!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/175403870017/62-pack-your-shit-and-go-get-the-fuck-out-of-my

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst, emotional hurt/comfort

“Pack your shit and go. Get the fuck out of my sight!”

The words seemed to echo around the apartment,  _their_  apartment, long after Rafael had left, slamming the door behind him. Sonny couldn’t tear his eyes away from the closed door, chest heaving as he struggled to breathe, the gravity of what had just happened setting in.

He’d told Rafael to leave, and he’d left.

They’d spent what felt like hours screaming at each other, so loud, so over the top, that he couldn’t even remember what had started it.

It didn’t matter what had started it.

He’d told Rafael to leave, and he’d left.

No fighting back, no arguing that his name was on the lease too, that Sonny had no right to order him out, that technically he’d found the apartment so really, Sonny should be the one to leave.

Just the deafening slam of the door and then silence.

The next breath that tore its way from his chest sounded eerily like a sob, and before he even knew what he was doing, he raced to the door, yanking it open.

When he was met with Rafael standing on the other side, face pale and eyes red-rimmed, a wave of relief washed over him, so powerful he felt his legs go weak.

Without speaking, without even thinking, he grabbed hold of Rafael, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug, as close as he could get, desperate, needy, as his vision clouded over with tears.

“Don’t ever leave,” he whispered into Rafael’s hair. “Don’t ever fucking leave, no matter what I say. Ever.”

“I’m sorry,” Rafael croaked out, arms winding around Sonny just as tight, his hold just as desperate. “I’m so…I’m sorry.”

Sonny felt like there was so much to say, but he couldn’t seem to find the words. Instead, he dragged Rafael inside, closing the door behind him, never once letting go.

“This is your home,” he whispered, pulling back just enough to hold Rafael’s face in his hands.

Rafael reached out, catching a tear on Sonny’s cheek before resting both hands on Sonny’s hips. “You are my home.”


	17. locked in a tight space, confessions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/177391070942/barisi-locked-in-a-tight-space-confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff

Sonny and Rafael are in an elevator in an old apartment building after talking to a witness when the elevator breaks down.

Sonny immediately hits the emergency call button, but nothing happens. He jabs it a few times, but still nothing happens. With a dramatic sigh, he sits himself down on the floor.

“Giving up hope already, Detective?” Rafael asks with a smirk, and Sonny rolls his eyes.

Truth is, it’s been a long day, he’s nearing the end of a double shift on very little sleep, this had been the last thing he had to do before heading home, and now he was stuck in an elevator. With the man he’s been harboring a crush on for the better part of the last four years.

Rafael wiggles his phone in Sonny’s direction before calling the company that owns the elevator, and Sonny feels stupid for momentarily forgetting they have phones.

After what feels like an awful lot of back and forth for a basic elevator break down, raised voices and all, Rafael sits beside Sonny with his own dramatic sigh.

“It’s going to be about 45 minutes until they can get here,” Rafael mutters, removing his jacket, inspecting the wall before deciding it was clean enough to lean against.

Sonny lets out a strangled small groan and lets his head fall back against the wall with a thud.

“Is it that bad to be stuck with me?” Rafael teases, and Sonny can’t quite believe it’s him with the bad mood and not Rafael.

“Nah. It’s just…I’ve had about 5 hours total sleep in the past…” he trails off, glancing at his watch, “..47 hours.”

Rafael offers him one of his softer smiles, probably intended as a comfort, but Sonny barely holds back a groan, because all he wants to do was kiss Rafael’s pretty little lips and fall asleep on him while they waited.

“I don’t know why you’re in such a good mood. You can barely tolerate me half the time, and now you’re stuck here with me for the next hour.”

“45 minutes,” Rafael corrects before sighing, adding on a muttered, “I can’t think of anyone I’d rather be stuck with.”

“You…what?”

Rafael’s eyes go wide as he realises what he just said. Out loud. But something inside Sonny softens at that, and for the first time since about halfway through the previous days shift, he feels a flicker of happiness.

“You like me,” Sonny says with a grin, nudging Rafael with his shoulder.

“Against my better judgement,” Rafael concedes with a sigh, but his cheeks have gone a deep shade of red.

“Oh my god.” It’s Sonny’s turn for his eyes to go wide as Rafael’s blush deepens. “You’re not sayin’ you  _like_  like me, are you?”

“No,” Rafael huffs. “Because we’re not children.”

“Oh my god! You do realise I’ve had a thing for you since the first moment I laid eyes on you, yeah?”

Rafael turns to Sonny, all wide-eyed shock, mouth slack.

Sonny can't quite believe his luck. “You’re kidding. I thought it was obvious.”

“And I thought it was hero worship.”

Sonny huffs out a laugh, but it’s cut short by Rafael’s lips against his, soft and sweet and a little uncertain. It takes a brief moment, but then Sonny’s pulling Rafael towards him, cradling his head as he kisses back.

Not a bad day in the end, all things considered.


	18. “You can’t just lose your temper like this every time you get a bit upset!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/177409099647/hey-how-about-barisi-you-cant-just-lose-your

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> emotional hurt/comfort, canon-typical mention of violence

“So what you’re telling me is you have no case?” Rafael demanded, grabbing his coat so roughly he nearly knocked over the chair it had been slung over. **  
**

“She won’t testify, Barba, what do you expect–“

“I expect you to do your job,” he shouted, and Sonny watched Amanda’s eyes go wide.

“If you were paying attention, Counsellor,” Amanda started, voice dangerously pitched, “then you would know we did all we could.”

“All you could.” Rafael huffed out a humorless laugh before moving into Amanda’s personal space. “If you did all you could, he’d be on his way to Rikers.”

Amanda, to her credit, didn’t flinch. It was Sonny who flinched on her behalf before stepping forward.

“Gonna back me up here?” She snapped, turning to face Sonny.

“Barba–”

“She needs your help, and if you can’t help her then what the hell are you even doing at SVU?”

Rafael stormed past the both of them, slamming the door behind him as he left. Sonny shot Amanda an apologetic glance before following Rafael out the door.

“Hey, Barba,” he called out, jogging to keep up. “Barba. Rafael, would you stop for a moment?”

“Magically got a case for me after all?” Rafael sneered.

“Look, just…” Sonny trailed off, grabbing Rafael by the wrist and dragging him to the nearest room. “You need to calm down.”

Rafael scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“You can’t just lose your temper like this every time you get a bit upset!” Sonny realized he was practically shouting and sighed, deflating a little. “It’s not fair on everyone else,” he added quietly.

“Fair?” Rafael whispered, voice wavering. “Nothing’s fair. Lloyd will continue beating his wife and son until someone stops him, and that someone’s supposed to be us. What good are we if–“ he broke off with a shuddering breath.

“I know, Raf,” Sonny said softly, circling his arms around Rafael, drawing him in. “I know.”


	19. "I am so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time".

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178070908802/barisi-i-am-so-sorry-that-we-have-not-loved-each

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Light angst, pining

It felt like it took all night to hunt Rafael down. He’d shown up at Sonny’s apartment completely out of the blue, love declaration halfway out of his mouth before he spied an all too familiar face, half-dressed and uncertain, lingering behind Sonny.

Sonny hadn’t had time to say anything before Rafael took off into the night. He’d haphazardly thrown on some clothes and a coat, shouting an apology over his shoulder before making his way outside, trying desperately to think of where Rafael might have gone.

Forlini’s was his first choice, and he’d cursed the cab fare when Rafael hadn’t been there. He’d tried a few other of the ex ADA’s favorite haunts to no avail. Then, just as he’d been about to give up, he’d remembered the small, dingy basement bar that they sometimes met up at, once upon a time, when they’d possibly been teetering on the edge of something if Rafael hadn’t been nursing a broken heart.

“Fancy meeting you here,” Sonny said quietly, ignoring the way Rafael visibly tensed as he sat down.

“I’ve become predictable in my old age,” Rafael muttered before downing the remainder of his drink, flagging the bartender for another.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny offered, reaching out to rest his hand on Rafael’s arm.

“No,” Rafael shook his head, voice unbearably soft, and when he looked at Sonny his eyes were shining with unshed tears. “I should never have shown up unannounced. I should be the one apologizing.”

Sonny offered him a smile, letting his hand drift down Rafael’s arm so he could link their fingers. Rafael swallowed hard, looking away, and Sonny sighed.

“I am so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time,” he said, giving Rafael’s hand a small squeeze before letting go. “I really am.”

Rafael gave a small jerk of his head, barely a nod. “As am I,” he said without looking up.

It hurt to wander back out into the night. It hurt to leave Rafael sitting there alone, drowning his sorrows. But he had someone waiting for him, someone he loved, and who loved him, despite all his hangups.

He only hoped Rafael could find the same, someday.


	20. “You’re leaving?” “I just don’t love you anymore.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178230435087/youre-leaving-i-just-dont-love-you-anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst

When Rafael stepped through the front door, he knew immediately something was wrong. With dread pooling in his stomach, he removed his coat before making his way into the apartment properly.

He could hear rummaging, and as he got closer to the bedroom, he was sure he could hear sniffing, too.

Something had happened. Something was wrong. Alarm bells rang inside his head, accompanied by the unsteady drum of his heart as he pushed the bedroom door open.

Sonny was throwing things into a bag, rummaging through the cupboard, likely in search of his own mess of things, things that had gotten tangled up with Rafael’s, like they should be, where they belonged, despite how much Rafael pretended he required order and set sides.

“You’re leaving?” It was the only conclusion Rafael could come to. The only conclusion that made sense.

Except it didn’t make sense, not really, and he felt a lump forming in his throat, breath coming a little shorter as he waited for confirmation.

Sonny jumped, literally jumped at the sound of Rafael’s voice, before turning to face him. His bottom lip quivered, tears pooling in his eyes, and Rafael felt his heart begin to crack, the first signs of foundation crumbling.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny choked out, sucking in a shaky breath before adding, “I just don’t love you anymore.”

There it was. Rafael felt as though he should have seen this coming, should have read it in the distance between them of late, but he’d simply put it down to the nature of their jobs, sure of the fact that they would find their way back to each other as they always did.

Instead, he felt blindsided, and the revelation cracked his heart clean in two, and for a moment all he could hear was white noise, the rush of blood past his ears as his chest constricted.

It was a heart-wrenching sob from Sonny that snapped him back to reality, reminded him he had a witness to his imminent breakdown, and he took a deep breath, willing himself to appear at least somewhat in control.

He watched as Sonny all but collapsed to the bed, wiping furiously at his tears, as though that would stop them from falling.

“You’re leaving me, and you’re the one crying?” Rafael teased, surprised by how easy it came, how natural it felt, despite the fact that nothing really feel natural at all.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny croaked out, burying his head in his hands, and Rafael couldn’t help himself. He sat beside him, awkwardly drawing him into a one-armed hug.

“Did you ever love me?”

“Of course!” Sonny responded in an instant, desperate and wide-eyed as he pulled back to look at Rafael. “Of course I did. So much it hurt, sometimes. I don’t…I don’t know what changed. I care about you, so much, you’re my best friend, I just—“

“Don’t love me anymore.” The words came out strangled, and Sonny nodded.

Rafael smiled, even as his eyes stung with tears. He couldn’t be angry with Sonny, not really, not when he still so obviously cared, was so obviously torn up about breaking Rafael’s heart. He was bitter, and hurting, and he couldn’t imagine a time where he would be healed, a time where he wouldn’t love Sonny irrevocably, unconditionally. But none of that was Sonny’s fault. Not directly, anyway.

“It’s okay,” Rafael whispered, even though it very much wasn’t.

“Is it, though?” Sonny asked, sniffing loudly.

Rafael swallowed, lip quivering, tears threatening to fall. “No,” he admitted, voice barely there. “No, but it’s not your fault, either.”

Sonny dissolved into fresh tears at that, but he moved away from Rafael, moved out of his embrace, standing to sling the bag he’d packed over his shoulder.

Sonny fished through his pocket, pulling out two keys, which he handed to Rafael. A numbness spread through him at the realization that it was their apartment key, Sonny’s copy and the spare. He felt empty, hollowed out, his insides raw and exposed.

“I’ll text you. About getting the rest of my things.”

Rafael wanted to beg, the ‘don’t go’ on the tip of his tongue, but he bit back on it, staring at the keys in his hand until he heard the click of the front door.

Only then did his tears fall, the dam inside him bursting. He felt ashamed as howling sobs left his mouth, animalistic and desperate. He curled up on his side, curled in on himself, wishing nothing more than to disappear.

Rafael was quite certain he had never felt pain as acute as this before, had never felt so completely destroyed as he did in that moment.

He was sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that no words could ever do quite so much damage as, “I don’t love you anymore.”


	21. “How can anyone not be afraid of love?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178261261587/barisi-how-can-anyone-not-be-afraid-of-love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff, light angst, emotional hurt/comfort

“I love you.”

The words seemed to come easy for Sonny. They dripped from his tongue like honey, framed by pink lips curled into a soft smile. They were said with lazy affection, but, as with everything Sonny ever did, there was a deep earnestness to them, too.

All those three words did was make Rafael’s heart seize.

The longer he remained still and silent, the more Sonny’s smile turned downward, causing his stomach to churn, and he had to look away. He wanted to run, but he knew, deep down, under all that fear and dread, that he would regret it if he did.

The problem wasn’t that he didn’t love Sonny. The problem was that he did. He’d never allowed himself to consider it before that moment, and suddenly it was made so blindingly obvious, and his chest ached with the weight of his affection and all it could do to destroy him.

When he forced himself to look back up, Sonny looked sad, devastatingly so, always with his heart on his sleeve in a way Rafael couldn’t. But seeing Sonny’s heart laid bare so often only made his own ache all the more. There was no such thing as self-preservation where Sonny was concerned.

“Sorry,” Rafael muttered, dropping the knife he’d been cutting with, unable to stand the tension anymore.

He walked into the living room, running a shaky hand through his hair, soft still from his shower, now scared that he would turn around and Sonny would be gone. Because he’d walked away. Sonny had told him he loved him and he’d walked away.

“It’s okay,” Sonny said from somewhere behind him, voice wavering, betraying how very much not okay it was. “This was only meant to be a bit of fun, I know.”

Rafael shook his head, turning to look at Sonny again, needing him to understand what he couldn’t put into words. The door to the apartment was behind Sonny, just a little to the right, and Rafael was so tempted to run. His whole body twitched with the urge. But Sonny was still smiling at him, much sadder now, but as though he were trying to comfort Rafael, and something inside him snapped.

He sucked in a deep lungful of air as his fear threatened to consume him, and Sonny frowned, looking confused and vaguely concerned.

“God,” Rafael rasped, rubbing at his face. “You deserve so much better than me.”

“Hey,” Sonny said softly, closing the distance between them to place his hands on Rafael’s hips. “Where’d that come from?”

“I can’t- I can’t—“ he broke off, lowering his head, shame filling him up.

“I don’t need you to love me back,” Sonny whispered, face close. “Not yet, anyway,” he huffed a laugh. “If, in a years time, you still don’t, I may have to reconsider.”

“A years…god.” Rafael’s heart swelled, but lodged somewhere in his throat, making it hard to breathe, hard to speak.

Sonny pictured a future for them, a future where they were still together, a year from now, and in love, and Rafael couldn’t help but wonder what that future held; if he would turn into his father like his father had before him, if Sonny could even love him for that long, because no one ever had before. Then again, he hadn’t ever really given anyone a chance.

“Raf, talk to me. What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours.”

Rafael’s eyes stung as he whispered, “I’m scared.”

He expected laughter, some form of mockery, a teasing jab at the very least, but Sonny just asked, “Of what?”

“You.”

There was a deafening silence after that. Rafael was sure the both of them had stopped breathing. He could hear a clock ticking, the gentle, distant hum of traffic five stories down, never heard except for moments like this, moments that felt out of time and out of place.

“I don’t understand. Did I do something—“

“No,” Rafael cut him off quickly, placing a hand over Sonny’s heart as he forced himself to look up. “No. No, you’re perfect. I’m…” he trailed off with a shaky sigh.

“You’re you, Rafael Barba. And I love every part of you.” Sonny’s tone was urgent, eyes searching Rafael’s face as though he’d find the source of his fear there and could physically remove it. “And it’s okay if you’re not there yet, it’s okay—“

“But I am. God, Sonny, I think I loved you from day one. That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Realization dawned on Sonny’s face, and his expression softened as he pulled Rafael in close. “You’re afraid of love?”

Rafael rolled his eyes, unable to stop himself. “If we’re simplifying things.”

“I’m scared too,” Sonny whispered, pressing a kiss to Rafael’s forehead, but Rafael just snorted, pulling away with the distinct feeling he was being mocked.

“Don’t patronize me.”

“No. Hey, no,” Sonny reached for him again, pulling him in once more, winding his arms around Rafael’s waist as he rested their foreheads together. “I would never. You honestly think I’m not scared? You honestly think it didn’t take me months to pluck up the courage to even tell you?”

Rafael sighed, letting his eyes fall shut, breathing Sonny in as he took hold of the front of his shirt.

“How can anyone not be afraid of love?” Sonny continued. “How can anyone not be scared of something that leaves you so exposed, leaves you vulnerable to the unknown, vulnerable to the complexities of another person.”

“Then how do you do it?”

Sonny pulled back a little, tilting Rafael’s chin up, forcing their eyes to meet. “Because if I didn’t, then I’d be miserable without it. If I didn’t, I’d be pining after you, and my heart would be broken anyway. So if you break my heart in the future, at least I’ve known love, known what it means to be with you, for however long we have.”

“You’re an idiot,” Rafael muttered with no real bite, vision clouding with tears.

“Yeah,” Sonny grinned, “but you love me.”

“I do,” Rafael admitted before closing the distance between them, pulling Sonny impossibly close as their lips met.


	22. “I’ll always be there for you. Don’t you know that?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178330471417/ill-always-be-there-for-you-dont-you-know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst, emotional hurt/comfort

It had been too long since Rafael had visited his grandmother’s grave. He knew he should visit more, but truth be told, he hated coming here. The tall, dark statues loomed over him, countless names on countless headstones signally an endless cycle of grief screaming out at him. The cemetery always seemed cold and dark, even in the middle of summer, like somehow someone had turned out the sun, and it always made his breath catch in his throat for a moment.

 

“I’m sorry, abuelita,” he whispered, placing the fresh daisies on top of her grave.

He never knew what else to say. It always felt odd talking to a headstone, telling it about his life. It felt too cold, too impersonal, too without his grandmother’s warm touch, and the more time that passed, the more Rafael felt like a failure. He hadn’t moved up in the world, only down, and the thought of her disappointment was often too much to bear.

Rafael sighed, patting the top of her headstone before turning to walk away. And then, just a little way up the hill, hair somehow managing to catch the only speck of sun this place had to offer, was Sonny Carisi, clear as day, and Rafael’s heart seized.

For a moment, he considered walking away, leaving Sonny to whatever it was that he hadn’t felt ready to share with Rafael. But he could see the way Sonny’s shoulders slumped forward from where he was standing, and before he could think better of it he was making his way over.

“Fancy seeing you here,” he said lightly, not surprised when Sonny jumped at the sound of his voice.

Sonny sniffed before turning to look at Rafael. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” Rafael asked with a tilt of his head, moving in closer now Sonny knew he was there.

“Please don’t be mad,” Sonny all but whispered, voice shaking a little, eyes wide, suddenly desperate and pleading.

“What could I possibly have to be mad about?”

He couldn’t stop the concern building inside him, setting him on edge, bordering on fear. He’d seen Sonny battered and bruised, broken inside after a tough case, absolutely wrecked after a close call, but he’d never seen this; this wide-eyed fear and sadness, and it took ahold of his heart and squeezed.

In lieu of an answer, Sonny gestured to the headstone in front of them, moving aside, head bowed, and Rafael looked at it properly for the first time, now able to see ‘Julianne Henderson, 1979 - 2013’ engraved in the pearly marble.

“Who was she?” The words barely came out, and he cleared his throat.

“My fiancée,” Sonny whispered.

“Your—“ Rafael cut himself off, clamping his mouth shut, willing himself to think before he spoke. “This is why you were worried I’d be mad?”

Sonny nodded, closing his eyes as he bowed his head, and Rafael moved towards him, grabbing him gently by the arms.

“Look at me,” he whispered and waited for Sonny to open his eyes before continuing. “I’ll always be there for you, no matter what it is. Don’t you know that?”

Sonny opened his mouth to speak, but instead, a strangled sort of whine slipped from his lips as tears fell from his eyes, and in an instant Rafael pulled him in close, gripping him tight.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny choked out before burying his head into Rafael’s neck.

“It’s okay,” Rafael whispered, running his hand up and down Sonny’s back.

“I still-still love her, Rafi. That’s why I didn’t tell you.”

“It’s okay,” Rafael repeated, pressing a kiss to Sonny’s temple. “I would expect nothing less.”


	23. “Fuck it - do you wanna get married?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178376973002/barisi-fuck-it-do-you-wanna-get-married

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff

The air smelled fresh and clean as they walked through the park, stomach’s full after a large Carisi family lunch. Sonny always loved coming back to Staten Island, wandering around his old neighborhood. It felt worlds away from the rush of Manhattan.

He gripped Rafael’s hand a little tighter, pulling him close enough to let go in favor of wrapping his arm around Rafael’s shoulders.

 

Rafael, as predicted, protested with a grunt, pulling out of his grasp. “Why do you insist on doing that?”

“You love it,” Sonny teased, pulling him in again, this time to plant a kiss on the top of his head.

Rafael rolled his eyes so hard Sonny was surprised it didn’t hurt, pulling away once more. “You’re an ass.”

“Eloquent as always.” He grinned, waiting for Rafael to scowl at him, and sure enough, he did, right on queue. “You love me.”

Rafael’s expression softened somewhat, though he tried to hide it. “I wouldn’t be so sure.”

“You’ve told me as such,” Sonny nudged him with his shoulder.

“Never trust a lawyer,” Rafael murmured, but he sounded fond now, no longer annoyed.

“You sayin’ you don’t trust me?” Sonny teased, linking their fingers once more.

Rafael eyed him warily for a moment, likely expecting to be pulled into another awkward hug, before chuckling. “You’re not a lawyer.”

“I passed the bar, didn’t I?”

“You’ve never practiced law a day in your life.”

“What if I’m living a secret double life you don’t know about, huh?” Sonny gave his hand a squeeze. “What if I’m secretly this amazing lawyer who wins all his cases.”

Rafael snorted, raising his eyebrow. “Unlikely.”

Sonny laughed, unable to pretend to be offended even for a second. “You’re supposed to believe in me, Rafi.”

“And I do,” Rafael responded, voice suddenly soft. “But you’re terrible with secrets.”

“Am not!” He protested, pulling Rafael close again, just to get a response.

“You’re impossible,” Rafael grumbled, but this time he didn’t pull away, opting to rest his head against Sonny’s side instead.

Warmth bloomed in Sonny’s chest, a feeling of absolute, all-consuming love filling him up, making it hard to breathe for a second. He let out a slow, shaky breath, clearing his throat against the lump forming.

“You okay?” Rafael asked, pulling back to look at Sonny, who grinned at him in response, eyes a little watery.

“Fuck it - do you wanna get married?”

Rafael stopped them in their tracks, staring at him, eyes searching his face for a moment before rolling his eyes. “Very romantic.”

“Cut me some slack, I just love you too much to do it properly.”

Rafael’s expression softened instantly, smile tugging at his lips. “I love you too.”

“So marry me.”

“Yes,” Rafael whispered. “Of course.”


	24. "Did it take you long to move on from me?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178377456202/did-it-take-you-long-to-move-on-from-me-barisi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> light angst

Rafael steeled himself, taking a deep breath before knocking on Sonny’s familiar apartment door. It felt like far too long since he’d been here, far too long since he’d seen Sonny’s smile, heard his laugh and his Staten Island drawl. His stomach bubbled in anticipation, a smile fighting its way onto his lips. **  
**

Sonny answered the door in sweats and a light t-shirt, looking fresh from a shower, and for a moment Rafael’s heart stopped at the sight.

“You’re back,” Sonny said dumbly, staring at him as though he couldn’t quite believe his eyes.

“I’m back,” Rafael confirmed with a teasing smile. “Are you going to let me in?”

“Oh,” Sonny hesitated, blush crawling up his neck. “Erm, this kinda isn’t a great time, Raf.”

Rafael opened his mouth to respond, something about how his apartment can’t be any worse state than usual, when he was cut off by another voice in the apartment, striking in its familiarity despite the dull edge to it.

“Who is it, Sonny?”

Rafael’s heart dropped to his stomach as his brain registered the voice of Peter Stone, the man who prosecuted him. He’d known he’d likely been away for too long to jump back in with an apology and expect everything to be perfect again, but he was sure he hadn’t been away long enough for Sonny to move on.

The Sonny he knew loved wholly, and fully, and if Liv was to be believed, he had visibly moped for a good while after Rafael left before finally picking himself up and diving back into work. Clearly, he’d found someone to take his mind off things.

He could taste the bitterness in his words before he’d even spoke them. “Did it take you long to move on from me?”

Sonny’s face twisted, hurt and anger flashing through his eyes, battling for dominance, but Rafael didn’t let him get a word in, didn’t want to hear whatever justification was on the tip of his tongue. Deep down he knew he had no right to expect loyalty from someone whose heart he’d broken, and he left before he could hear it laid out for him.

He was halfway down the block, hands shaking as he tried to order an Uber, when he heard Sonny call his name from behind him. He continued walking, quickening his pace, but a hand landed on his shoulder, pulling him back with more force than he expected.

“Would you just give me, like, five minutes?” Sonny snapped, wrapping his arms around himself, shivering in the cold without a coat.

“It’s pretty obvious, I’m not sure you need to explain.”

Sonny rolled his eyes in a move so reminiscent of Rafael himself that his heart clenched painfully at the sight. “You’re an idiot.”

“Duly noted,” he muttered, turning away, but Sonny stopped him with a firm hand.

“You left, okay? Not me. You left, and you didn’t even give me a good explanation, a proper goodbye. You left a note on my desk and by the time I’d seen it you were gone. How the fuck do you think that made me feel?”

Rafael felt shame and guilt bubble up inside of him, feelings he’d stewed in before deciding to try and make things right, but feelings he’d mistakenly thought he could finally put behind him.

“I know,” he said softly, all venom gone from his voice. “I’m sorry.”

“I loved you, you know?” Sonny shot back, voice going up an octave, and Rafael could see he was fighting tears.

“I know. I loved you too.” Rafael swallowed thickly. “Still do.”

“Is that why you’re here? To tell me you love me and think that makes everything okay?”

Rafael shook his head, even though that is exactly what he’d been hoping for. “It doesn’t matter. You’ve clearly moved on.”

He winced at the bitterness of his words, at the ache in his heart at having to say it out loud again, having to picture Sonny and Stone together, happy, in love.

“How could anyone move on from you?” Sonny asked with a slightly hysterical laugh. “Peter’s a friend.”

“A friend in the middle of the night in casual clothes after a shower,” Rafael commended dully, trying to keep his tone neutral.

“His sister died,” Sonny said quietly, and Rafael could see the truth of his words in the sudden pain etched into his features. “He’s not coping. He doesn’t have anyone else, Raf.”

Rafael felt himself deflate, air gushing out of him, replaced by a sense of hope that he knew he ought to feel shameful for. “You’re a good person, Sonny.”

“I try to be,” he said with a nod. “So as I said, now’s not a great time. But if you still have my number, text me tomorrow.”

Rafael couldn’t help but smile, warmth spreading through his chest at the thought that maybe he was still in with a chance.

“I’ll text you tomorrow,” he confirmed with a nod.

“Goodnight, Rafael,” Sonny said with a soft smile, taking a few steps back towards his apartment building.

“Goodnight, Sonny.”


	25. “It’s 4am. We’ve never had sex at 4am.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178377949337/barisi-its-4am-weve-never-had-sex-at-4am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff, sexual content

Rafael groaned as Sonny jostled the bed, climbing in behind him. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Sonny there—he rarely ever slept soundly without Sonny beside him now that he was used to it—it was simply that Sonny somehow didn’t know how to get into bed calmly and quietly. It always had to be an ordeal, and if Rafael was already sleeping it inevitably woke him up. **  
**

“Rafi?” Rafael grunted in response, instinctively pressing himself into Sonny’s warmth. “Oh, good, you’re awake.”

“‘M not.”

There was silence for a moment, and Rafael was on the verge of sleep when alarm bells went off and his mind instantly woke up. Sonny was rigid behind him, holding himself so tightly Rafael felt sure he would snap any minute.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, voice surprisingly alert considering he’d been asleep moments before.

Sonny sighed in response, relaxing against him, and that’s when Rafael felt it—Sonny’s cock, half hard and pressing into his ass. Sonny dropped a kiss to the back of his neck, pressing further up against him, and it was Rafael’s turn to sigh.

“You woke me up for sex?”

“Not on purpose. But…seeing as you’re awake…” Sonny trailed off, and when Rafael rolled onto his back to look at him, he was biting his bottom lip, smiling shyly.

“No. Absolutely not.”

Sonny’s expression crumbled as he whined. “Why not? It’s 4 am. We’ve never had sex at 4 am.”

“And for good reason,” Rafael muttered as he rolled back over, but he couldn’t help but grind back against Sonny anyway, smirking when it resulted in a breathy gasp.

“Tease,” Sonny muttered, trailing kisses down Rafael’s neck and across his shoulder, grinding against the thin material between them.

Rafael wanted to reject him, wanted to say no and go back to sleep, just on principle if nothing else, but he could already feel himself growing hard, skin prickling with desire, and when Sonny bit down on his shoulder he couldn’t help but moan, giving into the sensation as Sonny palmed him through his pants.

“God, I hate you,” he hissed, rolling his hips, drawing a moan from Sonny’s lips, breathy and hot on the back of his neck.

“Nah,” Sonny smirked, edging Rafael’s pants down to take him in his hand. “You love me.”

_God help me, I do._


	26. "I needed you and you weren't there"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178394552422/i-needed-you-and-you-werent-there-barisi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst, emotional hurt/comfort, canon-typical mentions of violence

The lock clicked behind Sonny as he closed the door to their apartment. The sound echoed in his ears, shattering whatever had been holding him together, and he let out a ragged breath, sliding to the floor, back against the door, as his knees gave way.

He tried to breathe deep and slow, but each breath stuttered, too shallow, not enough. Tears slipped hot and heavy down his face, but he didn’t dare wipe them away with hands still pink-stained with blood.

The sun disappeared while he sat there, unable to do anything else, not even aware the light had faded and he was sitting in darkness. A kind if hollowness had filled him up, leaving no more tears to shed, and though his chest still ached, lungs burning, he’d grown accustomed to the feeling, had stopped gasping for deeper breaths.

Images of the little girl who’d bled out in his arms flashed repeatedly before his eyes, nauseating in their vivid detail, as though she was still there, bleeding out in front of him all over again. He could still smell the metallic tang, was sure he’d never truly get the stench of it out of him. He knew he needed to shower, to change his clothes, to be clean, but he couldn’t bring himself to move.

All he wanted was Rafael. Rafael’s surprisingly strong arms lifting him from the ground, his delicate fingers deftly undressing him, his warm, solid body cocooning him the best he could as they lay together, longing for a sleep that would never come.

He wanted that. He needed that. But Rafael was in DC for a conference and he wouldn’t be back for days, and the more time that ticked by, the more his ache, his want, his need, grew inside of him.

He blinked out of his daze at the sound of the lock clicking behind him, a surge of panic filling him up as the door pressed at his back.

“Sonny?” Rafael’s voice filtered through the crack in the door.

“Rafi,” Sonny croaked out, squinting against the light filtering into the room that he was sure hadn’t been there before.

“I need you to move away from the door so I can come in, okay?” Rafael’s voice was gentle, the softest Sonny had ever heard it, and something inside him slowly began to come undone.

He forced himself to stand, legs trembling beneath him as he moved away from the door, arms wrapped tightly around himself. “You’re home early?”

“Liv called,” Rafael said quietly, dumping his briefcase as he pushed the door shut behind him.

He moved forward tentatively, as though he were approaching a spooked animal, and Sonny supposed the analogy was correct because the movement had him twitching, itching inside his own skin, and he dug his nails into his arms to keep himself from moving.

“You’ll miss the conference.”

“You’re more important,” Rafael whispered, voice cracking as his eyes grew wet and wide, dripping with sympathy.

“‘M not,” he murmured, throat tightening as tears filled his eyes again, and he looked away.

“Come on.”

Rafael gently took him by the arm, leading him into the bathroom to start running a bath. He set about slowly peeling the blood-stained clothes from Sonny’s body, struggling a little as Sonny began to shake. He whispered soothing words, words in Spanish, words that washed over him uselessly, but somehow eased the ache inside his chest, just a little.

He sucked in a sharp breath as the water slowly turned pink around him, collecting the blood as Rafael washed it from his skin. His stomach churned and his head spun, and he had to look away.

“Rafi,” he whispered helplessly, the need to be held overpowering him once more.

“I’ve got you.” Rafael pressed a kiss into his hair, and Sonny couldn’t help himself as he reached out, splashing water everywhere in his effort to grab hold of Rafael.

“I needed you,” he sobbed, lungs burning as he gasped for breath again. “I needed you and you weren’t there.”

It wasn’t intended as an accusation, so much as helpless words tumbling from his lips as he tried to process how he felt, what had happened, but Rafael sucked in a shaky breath all the same, gripping Sonny a little tighter.

“I know,” he whispered furiously, voice wavering. “I know. I’m sorry. But I’m here now.”


	27. "Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178542414747/why-the-hell-didnt-you-tell-me-barisi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hurt/comfort and sick fic, I guess? In the loosest sense?

Sonny hissed as he removed the makeshift bandage from his arm, grimacing as it tore at his skin, peeling away what felt like multiple layers. The sight wasn’t pretty, but then, given the way he was feeling, he hadn’t expected it to be. He’d known it was infected the moment he’d woken up, sweating and vaguely nauseous, his arm throbbing.

He felt bile rise in his throat at the sight of it, flesh mangled and yellowish, oozing a mixture of blood and something he assumed was pus.

He turned the tap on, gingerly letting his arm rest under the flow, unable to stop the pained yelp that slipped past his lips, bouncing off the tiles as he clutched his arm to his chest.

“Sonny?” Rafael called out, sounding half asleep.

A sense of panic filled him, but before he could grab a towel to cover his arm with, Rafael was at the door, blinking against the light, hair sticking up at odd angles.

“What—“ Rafael cut off, eyes going wide as he took in the state of Sonny’s arm. “How did that happen?”

“Perp bit me,” Sonny muttered, reaching for a washcloth to wet. “Thought it was fine. Clearly not.”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” He asked, anger and concern meshing together.

Sonny shrugged, looking away, avoiding Rafael’s gaze. “Didn’t think I needed to.”

“Didn’t think…Jesus, Sonny, what if he has HIV? Or Hepatitis? Or any other number of diseases that you’ve just happily left untreated?”

Sonny blinked, staring at Rafael as shame filled him up. “Didn’t think of that.”

Rafael rolled his eyes, stepping forward to take the washcloth from his hands. Without warning, he pressed the washcloth to the bite-mark, eliciting a pained yelp from Sonny, though Rafael kept him firmly in place.

He could feel sweat prickling his brow as he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the pain as Rafael cleaned his wound. He didn’t dare look again, barely dared to breathe, until Rafael had placed another bandage over it.

“Wuss,” Rafael muttered, smirking when Sonny looked at him in surprise.

“Thanks,” Sonny croaked out, and Rafael softened, taking hold of Sonny’s hand.

“We’re going to the ER. Right now. No arguments.”


	28. "We’ve been celebrating our wedding anniversary on the wrong day for the past five years."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178556267172/barisi-weve-been-celebrating-our-wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> humour, fluff

It felt odd to be going through all their things, packing their home away into boxes. Sonny had been excited at the prospect of moving, had found the process of finding a new apartment thrilling, but now faced with the reality of leaving the first home they’d built together behind an odd sense of melancholy had set in.

He breathed out a small sigh, abandoning his current project in favor of stepping into their home office. It was familiar and inviting, and smelled of scotch and musk, purely Rafael. It was the only room left untouched, and Sonny had a sneaking suspicion it had been left that way because Rafael knew he sought comfort here, knew this room could calm him in a way little else could.

He sat down on the floor in front of their personal filing cabinet, separate to Rafael’s work things, a sudden need to see the documents of their lives laid out before him, confirmation this was real, that it wasn’t slipping away. It always seemed, whenever vulnerability struck, whenever melancholy got its hands on him, he suddenly felt as though everything would be taken out from under him and he would be left floating, alone and untethered. Usually, his wedding ring did the trick, twirling it around his finger, warming the metal up so it was near-searing. But today that didn’t seem to cut it.

His let his fingers dance over each document; birth certificates, graduation certificates, important accolades. When he got to their marriage certificate he couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face, a warmth filling him up, chasing the demons away. He was surprised he’d never thought to look before, had never pulled them out to marvel at the wonder of Rafael agreeing to marry him five years ago.

His smile faltered as his eyes fell on the date, slipping to a frown as he pulled the page from the plastic, examining it closer.

“Raf?” He called out, repeating a little louder when Rafael didn’t respond.

“You okay?” Rafael asked softly, poking his head through the door, concern etched into his dust-covered features.

“Yeah,” he breathed out, holding the document up as laughter bubbled up inside of him. “Um, we’ve been celebrating our wedding anniversary on the wrong day for the past five years.”

Rafael scoffed as he walked towards Sonny, hand outstretched. “I’m sure I wouldn’t forget the day of my own wedding.”

“Well either these are wrong,” he said, handing it over, “or we’re wrong.”

Rafael frowned, pulling the document closer to his face before looking at Sonny. “No. This can’t be right.

Sonny shrugged, laughing as Rafael studied the certificate again.

“No,” Rafael repeated, huffing a laugh. “Christ. How on earth did we manage that?”

Sonny pulled out one of their wedding invitations, laughing in earnest as he handed it to Rafael, same date as the marriage certificate. Rafael groaned, covering his face as he came to sit beside Sonny.

“Somehow, I know this is your fault.”

“Oi!” Sonny nudged his arm, but he couldn’t stop laughing long enough to look stern.

Rafael stared at him for a moment, absolutely disbelieving, before he dissolved into laughter too, leaning into Sonny’s side.


	29. “You’re trembling.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178679872017/24-youre-trembling-barisi-please-and-thank

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> emotional hurt/comfort, canon-typical mentions of violence, vivid descriptions of blood/death I guess

Rafael’s hands shook as he tried to light his cigarette. Each flick resulted in a disappointing spark but no flame, and he groaned in frustration, a sense of urgency crawling its way up his chest, constricting his lungs.

Warm hands came to cover his to take the lighter away, and after a solid flick the flame ignited, and Rafael leaned into it, inhaling sharply, the smoke easing the tightness in his chest almost instantly, just a little.

He breathed out slowly, head hitting the cold bricks behind him as he closed his eyes. Behind his eyelids, vivid as though it were happening in real time, he could see his own bloodied hands, helpless bodies on the floor around him as desperate screams filled his ears. His eyes snapped open as his body twitched with a shudder that ran right through him from head to toe.

Sonny was standing beside him, and Rafael distantly realized it must have been him who lit his cigarette. Funny, he thought, how such a basic action could warm his heart. But Sonny looked concerned, brow crinkled, lips pulled into a tight frown, and it was shame Rafael felt then. Shame for being seen, for not quite being able to cope with something that Sonny saw all the time in his job.

“You’re trembling,” Sonny said softly, and Rafael held his hand up for a moment, briefly watching the way it shook before him before taking another drag from his cigarette.

“It’s cold,” he deadpanned, giving Sonny a sideways glance, eyebrow raised.

Sonny didn’t relax, though, didn’t even crack a smile. He just reached out and placed his hand on Rafael’s shoulder, and despite how much he wanted to pretend everything was fine, he couldn’t resist leaning into the touch all the way until Sonny had pulled him into a hug, cigarette dropped to his side in favor of hugging back fiercely.

He fisted his hands into the material of Sonny’s jacket, willing himself to stop shaking as he breathed Sonny in, trying to rid himself of the metallic stench of blood.

“It’s okay,” Sonny whispered, cupping the back of Rafael’s head like a child.

“How do you do it?” Rafael muttered, voice muffled by fabric. “How do you see what you see every day, in the flesh, and not be bothered by it.”

Sonny sighed, letting his hand trail down Rafael’s back, slow, gentle, soothing.

“It does bother me. Every time it bothers me. But that’s okay, Rafi. That’s what makes us human.”

He pulled back a little, tilting Rafael’s chin up to look at him, and Rafael felt his face burn as Sonny took in the wetness of his eyes.

“You did a good job today.”

Rafael nodded. He knew he did. He knew he saved that girls life. The paramedics had told him as such, and Carmen had confirmed it when she let him know the family had called to thank him. But that didn’t change the fact that he couldn’t save everyone. That didn’t stop the terror that rose in him every time he so much as blinked and got a glimpse of that courtroom all over again. That didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t sure he’d taken a proper breath since that first gunshot had echoed through the room, followed by deafening screams as everyone scrambled for the door.

He swallowed hard before leaning in to press a quick kiss to Sonny’s lips.

“Let’s go home,” he murmured, and Sonny nodded, leading him out of the alleyway and onto a street to hail a cab.


	30. "You make me want things I can’t have.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178723203242/you-make-me-want-things-i-cant-have-with

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff

Sonny loves these moments, when Rafael let’s his guard down, when he’s soft, and sweet, and kind. Sure, he’s still sarcastic and biting, all quick-wit and sharp tongue, but his smiles are softer, his touches gentler, and he’s more prone to words of praise, of comfort, of genuine encouragement.

But he also hates these moments, too. He’s under no illusion about their arrangement. It’s temporary, non-exclusive, a bit of fun, a way to wind down, a warm body to combat the loneliness. He still remembers the conversation they had before their first night together, when Sonny had chanced a kiss and Rafael had kissed him back hungrily, all desperate hands and breathy moans, before breaking apart, something like regret in his eyes. He remembers thinking he would be willing to take whatever he could, whether it be one night, or a multitude of nights. Whether it meant something or not.

Now, he’s not so sure.

Now, as he listens to the steady thrum of Rafael’s heart beneath his ear while Rafael trails his fingertips down Sonny’s arm, touch feather-light, he thinks maybe he’s in too deep.

He sucks in a breath, chest constricting at the thought of walking away for this, of never feeling this again, and Rafael’s movements pause.

“Sonny?” He hums softly in response. “What’s wrong?”

“Who says something’s wrong?” He keeps his voice low, quiet, not trusting it with anything more.

“Look at me?” Sonny sighs before complying, a shiver running down his spine as Rafael runs a hand into his hair, down to his neck. “You think I don’t know you inside out by now?”

Sonny hums again, letting his eyes drift shut as he rests his chin on Rafael’s sternum.

“You make me want things I can’t have,” he admits quietly, voice choked with emotion he was trying to suppress.

Rafael chuckles, light and airy, and it makes Sonny’s chest constrict further. “Like what?”

“Like you,” he whispers, pressing his face into Rafael’s arm, shame filling him up at the admission.

Rafael is quiet for a long moment, and Sonny doesn’t dare look up, doesn’t dare move, too scared that Rafael will send him away. After an agonizing few minutes, Rafael’s hand comes to rest on his lower back before running all the way up to his neck, and back down again.

“You have me,” Rafael whispers, voice wavering a little. “What part of being naked in my bed, in my arms, makes you think that I’m not yours?”

Sonny’s heart skips a beat as he whips his head up, needing to see Rafael’s face, just for confirmation. Rafael’s eyes are wet and shining, and Sonny reaches out, brushing his knuckles across Rafael’s cheek before letting his palm rest on his chest.

“You said…you said you couldn’t date a coworker. That first night, you made sure I knew where we stood.”

Rafael’s lips pull downward, his grip tightening. “I thought you knew things had changed.”

“How could I know?” Sonny laughs, feeling suddenly light, suddenly so happy he could burst.

“Sonny, I love you,” Rafael whispers, pulling Sonny towards him. “I thought…I thought you knew.”

Sonny shakes his head with another laugh, sliding up Rafael’s body to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” Rafael says, letting his eyes fall shut.

“No,” Sonny insists, pressing another kiss to Rafael’s cheek. “No, it’s okay. It’s more than okay.”

“But I—“

“Shh.”

Sonny captures Rafael’s lips with his own, soft and sweet and warm, deepening it as Rafael shifts, pulling him in closer. He cups Rafael’s cheeks between his hands, pulling back again, unable to wipe the grin off his face.

“I love you, too.”

Rafael chuckles, rolling his eyes before pressing another quick kiss to Sonny’s lips. “I know.”


	31. "Stop looking at me like that, weirdo."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178884980667/barisi-stop-looking-at-me-like-that-weirdo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff, hospital fic, mentions of drugs

Rafael wakes up in an instant, entire body snapping upright, suddenly hyper-alert, though he’s not sure why, at first. Then it happens again—Sonny shifts on the bed in front of him, this time letting out a small groan, and Rafael feels his heart beat a little faster.

“Shh,” he soothes, reaching out to sweep Sonny’s hair back from his forehead with one hand, the other gripping Sonny’s hand tight.

“Raf?” Sonny croaks out, blinking against the harsh hospital lights.

“Yeah,” he whispers, voice cracking as a lump forms in his throat. “You’re okay, I’ve got you.”

“What happened?”

Sonny swallows hard before turning his head to look at Rafael, wincing at the movement. Rafael squeezes his hand a little tighter, chest constricting at the obvious pain Sonny’s in despite the cocktail of drugs they have him on.

“You were shot. We thought—“ Rafael breaks off, clearing his throat as tears cloud his vision. “We thought we’d lost you.”

“Nah,” Sonny breathes out a laugh, followed by a sharp, pained intake of breath. “Not that easy to get rid of. I’m like…like a cockroach.”

Rafael chokes out a laugh, a tear slipping down his cheek, though for once he feels no shame in his emotional display. Sonny’s alive, and awake, and cracking drug-fuelled jokes, and Rafael feels like he can breathe for the first time since that first gunshot rang out.

He smooths Sonny’s hair down again, relishing in the way he leans into the touch a little. He knows he should call for a nurse, let them know Sonny is finally awake, but he wants this moment to last forever, just the two of them, because he’s sure that the moment he has to take his eyes off Sonny again, that fear of never laying eyes on him again will come back in full force, irrational, sure, but all-consuming nonetheless.

It’s a relief to see Sonny smile, to see him talk, to see him move. His face is still deathly pale, and his eyes are glassy and unfocused, but Rafael is sure Sonny has never quite looked as beautiful as he does in that hospital bed, a living, breathing miracle.

“Stop looking at me like that, weirdo,” Sonny grumbles, sleepy affection written in the lazy smile he shoots Rafael.

Rafael huffs, wiping the tears from his eyes as he leans forward to kiss Sonny on the forehead.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Rafi.”

Rafael knows he will cherish those words for the rest of his life, for every living, waking, breathing moment they share together. Because, knowing so vividly what he stands to lose, he knows he will never take those words, their time, for granted again.


	32. “I’ve always wanted to thank you, but was never sure how.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178916809037/ive-always-wanted-to-thank-you-but-was-never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff

Sonny’s stomach bubbled with a mixture of nerves and excitement, an energy thrumming throughout his entire body as he stood in front of Rafael’s apartment door. The urge to flee was strong—he could feel it almost pulling him down the hall—but, blessedly, his feet remained rooted to the floor. He needed to see this through.

He knocked four times before shoving his hands into the pockets of his coat, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“What the hell?” Rafael grumbled as he unlocked his door, opening it just wide enough to peer out. “It’s the middle of the night.”

“Hello to you too,” Sonny said with a grin, heart stuttering at the sight of Rafael in a soft cotton shirt and pajama pants.

“In case you missed the memo, I no longer work at the DA’s office.”

Rafael sounded put out, more irritated than usual, and Sonny suddenly felt foolish for even being here. He rubbed the back of his neck, taking a step backward, not really sure what to say. He could just apologize, say goodbye and leave, but that didn’t sit right with him.

“Why are you here?” Rafael asked, expression softening.

“Come with me?”

Sonny expected a no, but Rafael just raised an eyebrow before asking, “Where?”

“Uh…put some shoes on and grab your coat.”

Rafael narrowed his eyes for a moment, studying Sonny before sighing and stepping aside to let him in.

“I’m not going out without proper clothes on,” Rafael explained when Sonny didn’t move, sounding exasperated and just a little amused.

“Oh, uh…” Sonny glanced down at what Rafael was wearing before glancing away again. “We’re just going to the roof.”

“The roof?” Rafael repeated back to him.

“Yeah. Slippers and a jacket will do.”

Rafael eyed him suspiciously for a moment before disappearing down the hall, returning moments later with slippers on his feet. He grabbed his coat before following Sonny out, locking the door behind him.

They were silent as they stood in the elevator to the top floor, then walked the single flight of stairs to the rooftop, mostly unused aside from a small building-owned garden that a few tenants tended to.

Sonny felt his skin prickle with anticipation as he led Rafael around the garden to the other side, where he’d set up a table and chairs, fairy lights, some Bluetooth speakers and champagne.

“What’s this?” Rafael asked, turning to look at Sonny, expression quite possibly the softest Sonny had ever seen it.

“I always wanted to thank you, but I was never sure how,” Sonny said with a small shrug, looking out over the city, away from Rafael. “Then you left and it’s like…it became so much more important to make the effort, y’know? In case…in case you thought I wasn’t still in awe of you, every single day.”

Sonny chanced a glance at Rafael and was surprised to see his face had gone slack, eyes a little watery. He frowned, turning towards Rafael fully, searching for something, anything to say to make him smile again. Just when he’d thought about cracking a joke, Rafael reached up, cupping his cheek lightly with one hand, the other firmly taking hold of Sonny’s coat, and, instinctively, Sonny met him halfway, sighing into the kiss as their lips touched.

Their kiss was brief, chaste and light, but when they broke apart, Sonny was grinning from ear to ear, cheeks straining with the effort, and he was pleased to see a smile, albeit a watery one, on Rafael’s face.

“You did this for me?”

Sonny nodded, pulling Rafael into a hug which he accepted almost a little too eagerly, hugging back firmly.

“You never fail to amaze me, Sonny Carisi.”


End file.
